


In Another Life

by Ashkatchum



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Humor, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Slow Burn, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-06-01 10:25:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6514351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashkatchum/pseuds/Ashkatchum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa's parents are homophobic assholes. </p><p>Clarke gets into an accident. </p><p>They both end up at a mental hospital. </p><p>Things are sad at first but then they get better. </p><p>OR:</p><p>The mental institution au</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic!
> 
> Actually, this is my first piece of creative writing in a long while, so be nice. Lemme know if you like it.

It was cold. But it didn't matter. Tentative hands were lingering at the hem of her shirt and she lifted her hands up and the shirt was removed. A small shiver ran down her spine before she leaned back into the kiss. 

The rain plummeted against the window. It was harsh and it was loud.

The kiss was soft but meaningful. Hands began to wander and just as another piece of clothing was about to be removed, the door burst open "Alexa.." her mother stopped mid sentence, words escaping her, staring down at her half-naked daughter attempting to cover herself with the bed covers. 

Her mother glared at them both with such intensity that if looks could kill... If looks could kill they'd be six feet under. 

"Put your clothes on and meet me downstairs." She says in a tone so harsh, it tastes like venom. 

The door slams shut. 

"Lexa, it's going to be okay." 

"No." Lexa replies with a pale face and shaky hands. 

"Lexa. Look at me. Look, it's going to be okay." 

"No. No, Costia it's not." Lexa wipes a tear from her cheek and gets her shirt back on. Her whole body is shaking so hard she struggles to stand up. 

She looks at Costia with a pained expression. She hopes her eyes convey the emotions she can't say. She hopes she understands. She hopes for hope itself. But all that comes out is a strained goodbye. 

Costia looks at her like she understands. She looks at her with hope and pain and love and anger and a mixture of emotions she can't yet understand. 

They both walk together. Lexa to her impending death and Costia to a life without Lexa. 

Her mother is sitting on the dinner table with a glass of wine in one hand and a bible in the other. 

Costia lets herself out and Lexa sits facing her mother on the large dinner table, careful to place her hands on her lap simply to keep her shaking hidden as best as she could. 

"You're sick, Alexandria." 

"No mom. I'm not sick."

"Alexandria. Please. I'm going to get you help. I'm going to speak to your fathe..."

Lexa cuts in with a new found panic "No! Please, please don't tell my father. Please mom, please!" 

Lexa's mother sighs and for the first time, Lexa sees something in her mother's eyes other than hate and anger. She sees... compassion?

"Lexa, listen to me. You're sick. You've been sick for a while now. I'm going to help you. I'm going to get you the help that you need. Now go upstairs and pack your things." 

"Mom, listen to ME. Please, I'm not sick. This is just who I am. This is okay."

"Alexandria. Go upstairs and pack."

"Pack?" 

"Yes." Her tone is so sharp, so firm that Lexa can't find it in herself to argue, so she stands, she stands on her shaky legs and she wishes instead that she could stand up for herself, but she can't. 

Lexa goes to her room. Closes the door and allows herself to cry. She cries so hard that the sobs emanate from her soul. She cries because she's ashamed. She cries because she's alone. She cries because she's misunderstood. But more than anything she cries because love is conditional.

Her sobs end in a quiet sniffle and she gets up to pack a small luggage bag. She packs her favorite T shirts, pairs of jeans, underwear and pyjamas. She wishes she could turn back time. She wishes for Clark Kent to fly around the world twice so she could pay better attention to when her mother returned home. She wishes she had been allowed a lock on her bedroom door, but after the first prepubescent incident with the neighbours daughter, she knows better. 

The sound of shuffling and muffled whispers awaken her from her thoughts and she knows her father is home. She knows that doom awaits. Is she homeless now? Where are they taking her? Military school? Boarding school? 

"I am strong. I will get through this. Whatever it may be, I will get through it." Lexa promises herself as she walks downstairs. 

Her father is on the phone and her mother is standing idly beside him. He looks at her and continues his conversation. 

She stands there. So small and so alone, gripping her bag with every fibre of her being and it turns her knuckles so white they almost hurt. 

He finishes his phone call. He looks at her with something that looks a lot like pity. "Let's go, Alex." 

"Where?"

"Come now." 

"No. Tell me where."

Her mother intervenes "We're taking you to the best institution. The best that money can buy. They'll help you." 

She opens her mouth to speak, to plead, to beg, to ask, but silence is all that remains as her father grabs a firm hold of her arm and pushes her towards the door, his other hand taking grasp of her bag. 

She's in the backseat now.  
Her mother is in the passenger seat and her father is driving. 

She's tired. She's so tired now. Her soul is tired. She isn't shaking anymore. She's not even scared. She almost doesn't care. And then she sees it. And then she knows and she smiles to herself because she wishes it was boarding school. She wishes with all her heart. But it isn't a boarding school. 

"A mental asylum" Lexa says, her words sounding more like a breath than a statement. 

"Beverly Hills is the best." Her mother replies, looking out the window. 

The world is a blur. The car stops. The door opens. The world is a blur. 

She's sitting in an office. Her parents are gone. A man enters the room. He's wearing a lab coat. He sits in the seat facing the desk and grabs a pen. 

"I'm Dr. Jaha" He says

She looks at him. The look is a mixture between a stare and a glare. 

"How old are you?" He asks 

"19" Lexa replies so softly, so injured, so small. 

"Okay, Ms. Woods, here's how it's going to go." He begins and he puts his pen down and looks at her "Money is a powerful thing. Did you know that?" 

"Yes" She replies, knowing all too well just how much money her parents possessed. 

"This is the best institution in the state. We have the best facilities, the best orderlies and the best patients. It's simple really, you want to get out of here? Just follow the program and get better. Okay?"

It wasn't a question. He rings the bell situated on his desk and before she could even open her mouth, in walks an orderly, his white uniform betraying his position. He holds his hand out kindly and she takes it. He leads her away from the office, away from her family, away from her pending university, away from her life and into a small room. A cell. 

It has a bed, a desk, and an emptiness. 

A week passes and then two. Two becomes four and finally, she gets her first visitor. 

Lexa walks into the room and is instantly overcome with emotion as her cousin, Anya, rushes towards her to envelop her in a hug. The hug lasts a good while and finally, Anya pulls away from a crying Lexa. 

"Jesus, what the fuck are they doing to you, Lexa?" 

"Anya, you have to get me the fuck out of here, okay?"

"I know, I know, I'm trying so hard. I'm trying SO hard Lexa and I'm not going to give up but our family is relentless."

Lexa lowers her voice to a whisper "Anya, I'm scared. You need to get me out of here and quick. They're going to start insulin shock therapy next week and I don't, I can't..." Lexa broke off into a quiet sob. 

Anya looked at her with a strained face and it took everything to hold back the tears. "Who gave you the black eye, Lexa?" 

"The black eye is the least of my fucking worries. Did you hear me? Insulin shock therapy, Anya! Do you have any idea how much that fucking hurts?" Lexa's crying now and the tears don't stop coming. 

"No." Anya bowed her head down, furiously wiping away the tear that dared to streak down her cheek. "I'm sorry. Just hang in there and I'll get you out, I promise." The bell rings signifying the end of the short visit. 

Anya turns to leave before Lexa grabs her arm "Wait. How's Costia? Does she know?" 

"She's fine."

"Where is she?"

"She got into Georgetown."

"Oh. That's great." Lexa says with a choked sob. "Does she know?"

"Yes."

"Okay" 

Lexa cries herself to sleep yet another night. 

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Clarke slams on the brake and the car comes to a halt all too quickly but not quickly enough. The airbags explode and the windshield shatters in front of her. She tries to protect herself by placing her hands in front of her head but is instead rewarded with a sharp pain as her arm hits the steering wheel and CRACK. 

The sirens of the ambulance drowns out the screams and a blanket of darkness befalls her eyes and she lets go into the blissful abyss. 

The beeping of the monitor wakes her up two hours later and she finds herself in a hospital bed with her mother leaning over her, holding her hand and wiping tears from her mascara stained face. 

She looks up and wonders "what happened?" she groggily asks. 

"You were in a car accident. But you're fine. Everyone is fine." Abby says all too quickly. 

"Where's Raven?" Clarke says looking down at her plastered limb 

"Raven's in the operating room. Her leg was caught between the passenger door and the seat. She's stable but circulation was... cut for a while." Abby says

Clarke nods and continues to look at her left arm now covered in a red cast.

"Your arm is broken. Well, more specifically your ulna, it's a greenstick fracture. It's going to take sometime to heal but you'll be fine in a couple of months." Abby smiles and sits back down in her chair. 

Clarke wonders if she will be fine. 

Raven is stable and Raven is now a cripple. Raven is crying and screaming and yelling when they tell her she won't be able to walk without the aid of a brace anymore. Raven's in a world of pain both physically and emotionally. 

Clarke and Octavia hold each of her hands during physiotherapy. 

Clarke learns that the other driver was thrown out the window and his face was scraped clean off his head. He died within minutes. It haunts her. It haunts her as she imagines the gruesome images throughout the day and even worse, throughout the night. She wakes covered in sweat and her throat is sore from the screaming.

Her mother is worried. Everyone is worried. 

Months pass and Raven is getting better; her leg is starting to hurt less, she's gaining more and more control and she's happy. 

Clarke is getting worse. She removed her cast but she hasn't slept in weeks and the lack of sleep is beginning to show, not only in the black circles around her eyes but also in the slowed reflexes, dropping grades, increased agitation and general bad mood. The guilt is overwhelming. 

Octavia suggests a day out, maybe a picnic at the park, she says.

"With the bees and nature and shit?" Raven replies 

"Yes, with the bees and nature and shit. Come on dude, I'll bring your favorite turkey sub sandwich" Octavia smirks 

"Fuck off, Octavia, Raven might be a weak little fatass who can be tempted with food but no force on earth is going to make me go outside right now" Clarke butts in 

"But... what about the turkey sub?" Raven whimpers

"Sigh. Such a fatass" Clarke says

"I'm growing!" Raven says angrily 

"You're 20, the only thing you're growing is a third ass cheek" Octavia says 

"Damn you and your turkey sub to hell, then" Raven says hopping from her stool 

"Come on you guys. It'll be fun."

"We're not 5, Octavia" Clarke scoffs.

"Clarke, you haven't fucking left the house in two months. Two fucking months. You're coming. Get up. I'm gonna go get the food, I'll see you and Raven there in 20 minutes." Octavia says as she grabs her purse and walks out the door. 

Raven and Clarke follow grudgingly minutes later. 

"It's hot" Clarke comments 

"Sorry" Raven says with a smirk 

"Oh ha ha." Clarke glares at her and Raven laughs. It's a nice day. They're walking together with Raven slightly wobbling and slightly leaning on Clarke. The breeze is light and not that many people stop and stare at Raven's faulty leg. But one particular prick does. He giggles and sneers to himself and as they walk past him, he mumbles something under his breath. 

"Is there a problem?" Clarke says with a glare. 

"Not with me" He scoffs 

"Leave this dick turd, Clarke, let's go" Raven says as she tugs on Clarke's arm to lead her away

"No." Clarke says and faces back towards the rude stranger "You're a fucking piece of shit" She says bluntly

He seems taken aback but replies "At least I'm not a fucking waste of space cripple" he says whilst pointing at Raven 

It happens too fast. Clarke strikes his face with her fist. Hard. He falls back surprised at the force. Clarke's not done yet. She straddles him and punches him again. And again. With every punch, he defends himself less. An audience forms and it takes two strangers to pull her off of him. 

He presses charges and here Clarke is: in court two weeks later. 

Long story short, they gave Clarke one of three options: The first is that she must spend a ridiculous amount of time in community service, the second is that she must serve time in a low security federal prison and the third is that she gets professional help for her aggression, despite it having been provoked. The problem was that even though she would not have minded the community service, it would be on her permanent record and since she was a medical student, this would not do. 

Her mother, the great Doctor Abby Griffin intervened, pulled some strings and here she was at Beverly Hills Mental Asylum, ready to 'get better' as everyone says. At least this will not be on her permanent record. 

Abby signs her in. Raven and Octavia give her a desperate hug and they break away with promises of 'see you soon' and 'we will visit as often as possible' and 'it'll only be a couple of weeks at most'. Clarke puts on a brave face. 

But alone in her room, she cries herself to sleep.


	2. Another day, another battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos! I may be pushing it a bit, but comments are more than welcome... pls

"Ms. Griffin" the orderly nudges softly at Clarke's shoulder. "Ms. Griffin, wake up, you have a phone call." 

Clarke opened her red and puffy eyes and gave a tentative smile at the woman standing in front of her. 

She got out of bed and made her way to the pay-phones with the guide of the orderly. 

"Hello?" she spoke softly, voice still raspy from sleep. 

"Who dis?" 

"YOU called ME, you idiot." Clarke says with a laugh 

"HIIII!" Octavia and Raven scream into the phone 

Clarke winces at the noise but smiles all the same. 

"How's the loony bin treating you?" Raven asks 

"Oh, it is great. It is absolutely FAN-TASTIC, Raven thanks for asking" 

The friendly banter continues and Clarke almost forgets where she woke up this morning 

Almost. 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A mental institute is not a pleasant place to wake up in. 

Not pleasant at all. 

Lexa felt like shit. She hadn't slept well in a while. To be specific, she hadn't slept well in the last four months, ever since she stepped foot into this God forsaken place. 

It was scary. The treatment was scary, the other patients were scary, the doctors were scary, the walls were scary, it was all just so... scary. 

Today was different though. Today was different because in her last visit, Anya got her a phone pass. And today, today she was going to make that phone call. 

She stepped up to the pay-phones and no matter how much her hands shook, she was determined. She grabbed the phone with one hand and used the other to dial the number. 

"Hello?" she heard on the other end of the line. 

She froze. Paralyzed by fear and rehearsed speeches. 

"Hello?" The voice clearly agitated now.

"Listen pervert, I can hear you breathing. Is this what..."

"Hi Mom." Lexa quickly cut in. 

"Oh. Hi Alexandria." Her mother said cooly. 

Lexa was silent. Tension building in her shoulders. 

"How are you, Alex?"

"How am I?! How AM I?" Lexa was yelling now. Her blood boiled. She was angry. No; she was furious. "How the fuck do you think I am?"

"ALEXANDRIA. If you're not going to be bloody polite, just hang up the damned phone. I am in no mood to tolerate your shitty behaviour."

"Mom, listen, mom, please" Lexa was pleading, her breathing quick and shallow "Mom, you need to get me out of here, I'm not okay here" 

"You'll get out of here when you get better."

"How can you be so calm when your daughter is in so much pain?" She whispered 

"I'm doing this for your own good, Alex" 

"For my own good? So being forced to fuck myself to straig..."

"ALEXANDRIA" Her mother interrupted with a yell 

"Mom" Lexa whimpered all too broken to speak properly. 

"Mom, I'll do anything, I'll get married just like you wanted, anything just get me out of here" 

"No. I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry." 

And with that, Mrs. Woods calmly hung up the phone and left her daughter in a shivering shaking mess. Lexa yelled and screamed and slammed the phone in the wall again and again, drawing the attention of quite a few spectators. 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Clarke jumped at the sharp sounds coming from the phone next to hers. She looked over and saw a skinny brunette crying and attacking the phone. 

"Clarke, what the fuck is going on?" Octavia asks, clearly worried by the commotion. 

"Holy shit, I really am in a loony bin." Clarke replies mostly to herself with wide eyes. 

"Clarke, aim for the eyes or the cootchie!" Raven chimes in 

Lexa stops. She steadies herself and looks around. There's a bunch of people staring at her but all she focuses on is the blue eyed creature standing maybe 3 feet away staring at her. 

"What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Looking. At?" She says through gritted teeth. 

Clarke is surprised and almost scared. This girl is looking at her with so much hate in her eyes, it awakens something dark in Clarke and Clarke forgets to be afraid. 

"At the crazy ass bitch interrupting my phone call" Clarke replies in an equally harsh manner. 

"You think I'm crazy?" Lexa asks and takes a step forward "I'll fucking show you crazy" 

But before she could take another step or react in any other way, strong arms wrapped around her and hugged her tight. 

"Lexa, Lexa stop. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay" Lincoln, the nicest orderly at the institute, says calmly and Lexa crumbles in his arms. She puts all her weight on him and sobs before he carries her in a swift motion and takes her away. 

Clarke is left dumbfounded with a million thoughts running through her head ranging from anger to surprise to pity and then... to guilt. Guilt. A feeling she is all too familiar with. The thoughts keep rushing and her legs start shaking and the only thing that breaks her from this train wreck of thoughts is the squealing coming in from the headset still firmly pressed against her ear. 

"Yeah hi, hi, sorry. This cra... This girl... Lexa" Clarke takes a deep breath to reorganize her thoughts "this patient got mad and yeah" Clarke trails off.

"Is everything okay then?" Octavia asks 

"Yeah yeah everything is fine. She's gone now, anyway enough about that, what other trouble did Raven get into?"

"Hey! I am very well behaved, thank you very much" Raven replies 

And it goes back to the playful banter until the bell rings signifying breakfast time. 

"Okay guys, I gotta go now, check up on me later, make sure no one eats me" Clarke says trying to make the best out of a shitty situation. 

"Bye Clarke and wait remember the golden rule" Raven says

"And what's that?"

"Aim for the cootchie!" 

And with that the phone call ends and Clarke makes her way to the dining hall. 

It's not a small room but it isn't grand either. It's lined with tables, some long and others not. The orderlies are sitting at one table all huddled together and she spots Lincoln quietly eating his scrambled eggs in the midst of the small crowd. The institution does not harbor many patients, presumably because of the lack of those who can afford it. She catches herself looking around for Lexa and is almost relieved not to find her. She walks up to where the food is placed, grabs a tray, plate and eating utensils before piling her plate with scrambled eggs, sausages and hashbrowns. She isn't hungry. But she's bored. And food is her only friend in this place. 

Breakfast ends. The day is uneventful. She's told she has to start group therapy soon and she can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. 

She goes back to her room and lays on the bed. This isn't too bad, she thinks to herself. 

She lets the quiet drizzle of the rain in the background lull her to sleep.


	3. Cuckoo's Nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the rare yet so precious comments! Keep 'em coming! 
> 
> Fair warning: This chapter contains conversion therapy.

Here's how it goes: Sunday is mail day and everyone loves Sunday. Well, everyone who gets mail that is. 

Clarke gets a huge package and she rips it open to discover pastels, paints just a whole lot of drawing stuff and for the first time in three days, she's actually excited. 

Even Lexa gets mail this Sunday. Her package contains a couple of books and underwear. She's excited too. 

The breakfast bell rings and they head out to the dining hall. 

Clarke grabs a piece of toast and sits on a table next to the window. The view is pleasant; there's a nice garden outside and the sun is shining bright; the rays hit Clarke's face and her hair illuminates beneath it. She opens her new sketchbook and begins to draw constellations. Far and wide across the page she allows her hand to stroke the pencil across the paper beneath it until the paper is rough and riddled. The paper is black but her mind is full of colors- of indigo and different shades of purple and deep dar... BAM 

She's startled out of her semi subconscious thoughts by a tray hitting the table and when she looks up, blue meets green. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you... again" Lexa says with a sheepish smile 

"You don't scare me." Clarke says in a harsh tone 

"Well, startle you then for lack of a better word." Lexa says as she sits down across from Clarke who is now rolling her eyes.

"I'm not crazy" Lexa blurts out.

"That urm doesn't sound too convincing" Clarke replies. "That's exactly what a crazy person would say." she murmurs

Lexa sighs heavily. She looks at Clarke seriously and says "I'm not crazy." 

"I know." Clarke says with half a smile. She doesn't. She doesn't know but she says it anyway because what she does know is that this person needs acknowledgement. 

"Are you?" Lexa asks 

"Am I what?"

"Are you crazy?" 

"Don't you know? We're all a little crazy, Lexa."

Lexa pauses for a minute and contemplates that. She's right, she thinks, we all are a little crazy. 

"Wait, how do you know my name?"

"I know a lot of things." Clarke says smugly. 

"Oh. Well what's your name?" Lexa asks 

"Clarke." 

"Well Clarke, I got you a muffin as a peace offering" Lexa says and hesitantly pushes the muffin towards Clarke. 

"I don't eat carbs" Clarke jokes

"You're literally eating toast, Clarke. That's basically the definition of carbs." 

"You know, I could have just gotten my own muffin." 

"Just take the damn muffin, Clarke." And she does. And she enjoys it, too. They sit in silence as Clarke eats the muffin and Lexa eats her scrambled eggs. It's peaceful, almost: to share a meal with a stranger without the obligation of small talk, to be still and comfortable for just a moment. 

But with the ringing of a bell, the meal ends and they're both reminded of the uncertainty of the remainder of the day. They're both reminded of where they are and what they've done to get there, and the peace fades as the anxiety builds.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Clarke retrieves her schedule from her back pocket and sees that she begins group therapy today. A long three hours of group therapy followed by 'community giving'. What the fuck is community giving?

After getting lost twice and receiving help from 'the nicest orderly in town' aka Lincoln, she finally arrives at the session. 

"You're late" the instructor says with a smile

"Sorry" Clarke murmurs. 

"Welcome to group therapy, Clarke. I'm Marcus, and this is the class." Marcus points to the class, a group of 5 women sitting in a circle on the ground, and back at Clarke "Class meet Clarke, Clarke meet class" he says 

"Hi Clarke" everyone says 

"Hi class" Clarke replies with a mocking tone. 

"Alright. All of you have had... incidences... in the past that labelled you as violent or aggressive and this is a safe space to learn how to control our temper." Marcus begins 

He speaks as though he's talking to children, Clarke thinks to herself. 

"Echo" he looks at the woman sitting to Clarke's left, "what brings you here?"

Echo mumbles something unintelligible. 

"What?" Clarke says with a wrinkled nose

"I attacked the post man." Echo says again with a huff. 

"Oh." Clarke says with wide eyes 

"And you Fox, what did you do?" Marcus continues. 

"Okay so, listen, I was walking down the street one time with my poodle and then there was this kid and he was like oh let me see that poodle and then my poodle got scared and barked and his mom came and she was all like bitch why did your poodle scare my kid so I was all like hell naw bitch why did your kid scare my poodle and then she said so many mean shit and I was just like this bitch and then I punched her in the face and broke her nose." She says with a gleaming smile. 

Clarke is smirking and Marcus doesn't look impressed. "Okay, again, that is NOT something to be proud of, Fox." He says firmly. 

"Whatever. Clarke, what are you in for?" Fox asks mischievously. 

"I attacked this guy in the park." 

"Why?"

"He made fun of my crippled friend." 

"Oooooh. That's even worse than that bitch talking shit bout my poodle." Fox says with a firm node. 

They continue like that for a while. Everyone gets a chance to talk about their feelings and their actions and this and that. Clarke doesn't mention the accident. She doesn't mention the nightmares. She doesn't mention the guilt that rides her very soul every time she thinks of that man's children, his wife, or her friend limping or struggling with her brace. She doesn't mention that it's all her fault. She doesn't mention that one single mistake can change the course of things forever. 

She wonders if fate makes them who they are or if it is them who make fate what it is. And with that final thought, Marcus stands, walks over to the radio situated at the corner of the room and begins to play supposedly 'relaxing tunes'. 

"Spread yourselves out. It's meditation time." Marcus states and the class follows. Clarke stays put. 

He walks over to her and says "think of a white piece of paper and just focus on its emptiness. Allow your mind to stay clear and focus on nothing and yet everything at the same time." 

"What the fuck?" Clarke says clearly both annoyed and confused

"Just think of a white paper and nothing else." He says gently 

So she does. She sits and listens to the music and thinks of a white piece of paper. She's fading out and there is a calm. 

The calm doesn't last and soon she is disturbed. She opens half an eye to see Marcus poking her head with a long stick. "What the fucking hell?" 

"Just try and keep the calm" He replies 

"Just try and keep your stick out of my face" She replies with a glare

"That's NOT what she said" Fox murmurs

Everyone giggles. Everyone but Clarke. 

"Try again." Marcus says firmly. 

So she does. She closes her eyes and just when she finds peace, she is disturbed yet again. 

"Marcus, get that fucking stick away from my face or I will shove it so far up your ass, you're going to taste it."

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

There are two sides to every story. There was once a poem about a Nazi militant who spent the day with burnt corpses and the night tucking his son to sleep, despite the smell of burnt flesh lingering in his nose. It speaks volumes about human nature and the ability of man to shift and morph into different beings through the progression of time and the change in surroundings. What is a monster to some is an angel to others. Lexa thought of this and more as she walked. 

Lexa's legs shook a she stepped forward towards a small room at the end of the corridor. She knows what awaits her on the other side. There is no group therapy. There is a darkness in human nature that punishes love with hate and violence. She thinks of the irony. She thinks of the further irony this plays when it is done in the name of a religion that claims peace as its founding. She laughs quietly to herself. It is not a happy laugh. It is a laugh that tastes bitter and sounds vulgar. 

Her hand touches the knob of the door and she winces at its coldness. The door opens and the face of a man she has grown to loathe greets her. 

"Bonjour mademoiselle Woods" He greets with a 'smile'. 

She does not reply. She does not look. She bares her soul to the devil. 

"Have a seat, Ms. Woods." He says gesturing to the chair she knows all too well. 

With three lean strides she is in the chair and he proceeds to strap her arms and legs into the arms and legs of the chair. He asks her if they are too tight and she shakes her head. Like you care, you bitch, she thinks grimly. 

He ties a rubber band around her upper arm and waits until the vein pops out. Once it does, he injects her with a solution. She does not know what it is. All she knows is the feeling that ensues. The feeling of extreme nausea and constant heaving, grasping for air and wishing that the ground would open and swallow her up. 

The room is small. It has a chair and a projector. It has a window, but it is covered with a curtain so thick, Lexa wonders if there is a window at all. All that lights the room is the incandescent light rays from the fluorescent light bulbs and it hurts her eyes. He turns away from her and faces the projector, turning it on and the light off, and she flinches when she sees the pornographic images flash in front of her. 

Ah yes, the good ol' conversion therapy. The idea behind the therapy is simple really, expose someone to something and then influence a negative emotion or feeling like pain or in this case nausea and then when they see it again, all they can think of is the negative emotion. Basically, show Lexa naked women and make her sick and when she sees a naked woman again, she will not feel arousal, only nausea. 

The problem? It doesn't work. 

The solution burns through her veins and settles in the pit of her stomach and suddenly the queasiness becomes too much and she vomits her breakfast in the bucket strategically placed in front of her. 

The pornographic images of exposed women remain in the background. 

It continues for hours until the effects of the poison wear off and now she's finally free to go. He carefully unstraps her and her legs are even more shaky than before. She's pale and on the verge of tears. She feels disgusting and it's not just because of the acidity burning her throat but also because of the humiliation she was forced to endure. 

"That wasn't so bad, was it now Ms. Woods?" He asks with a sly grin. 

She wishes she aimed at him when she threw up. 

He leads her out of the room and she walks on even shakier legs to her room. Cell. 

She lays on the bed and tries to think of anything except for where she is and why. She wonders why they're doing this. Is it really so wrong to love? Is it really so wrong to have an innate attraction to other women? When love is pure, why is there a problem? 

She falls asleep to sweet memories of a now tainted childhood. She falls asleep to memories of a small Anya and a small Lexa climbing trees and playing basketball in the backyard, she falls asleep to memories of long lost friendships and unrequited love. 

How sweet it is to be asleep.

But the calm never lasts and the bell rings yet again to remind her of her upcoming session. 

She lingers on the bed. Her converse shoes feeling tighter than before and she wishes she could take them off and go back to sleep. She is restless and yet so tired. 

She makes her way to the final session of the day; community giving. 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Community giving, what a load of shit, Lexa thinks whilst making her way to the garden. I already give to this stupid community, what the fuck is the community giving me?! 

It's hot. She's sweaty and still pale. She reaches the garden and reads the instructions of the day on the board. "Water the plants, put fertilizer in the pots bla bla bla" she reads off. 

Clarke is elbow deep in a bucket of fertilizer when Lexa spots her. 

"What a load of shit, eh?" Lexa murmurs and quietly laughs to herself.

Clarke jumps, turns and glares at Lexa. "You have to stop doing that." Clarke says. 

"Maybe you should just be paying better attention to your surroundings." Lexa states calmly as she slowly sits on the ground. 

"Maybe you should be less of a creep."

"What are you doing here anyway? Are you stalking me or something?" Clarke asks 

"You wish. I'm assigned gardening too" Lexa says. 

"Okay. And are you actually going to do any gardening or just sit there and stare?" 

"Yeah, I am. Just... can you just give me a minute?" Lexa says as she slowly rises to her feet. 

"No, hey it's okay, I was just joking. You look like shit, actually. What happened to you?"

"Oh wow thanks for the confidence boost right there." Lexa says with a fake smile and thumbs up 

She shakes as she wears the gloves and oversized boots. 

Clarke notices. 

"Seriously, are you okay?" 

"Fine."

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They work in silence. They water the plants and put the fertilizer where it's needed. Clarke takes the brunt of the work but she doesn't mind. 

Clarke breaks the silence first "What are you in here for anyway?" 

"What?" Lexa asks 

"You said you weren't crazy so what are you doing in the cuckoo nest?" 

"Oh." Lexa doesn't want to say. She continues her work and hopes that blondie will forget the question. She doesn't. 

"Well?"

"I stole a chicken." Lexa lies 

"You stole a chicken?" 

"Yup."

"Mhmm. Sure. Fine. Don't say then."

"Okay, I won't." 

They continue to work in silence until Lexa murmurs "Even God rests on Sunday." 

Clarke laughs quietly before finishing the last plant and sitting down on the cool ground. 

Lexa follows suit. Clarke gives Lexa her water bottle and says "You look like you need this more than I do. Plus I owe you after that muffin" 

"Thanks" Lexa says with a smile and takes a big gulp of water. The cool water soothes her sore throat and she really is grateful for that small act of kindness. 

Sometimes even the smallest act goes a long way, she thinks before she takes another gulp. 

They sit in silence until the bell that dismisses them rings. 

Clarke stands up first and holds her hand out to Lexa and Lexa takes it. Clarke pulls her up to her feet and Lexa smiles again. 

They walk in slow strides back to their rooms. 

As they step into the building, Clarke looks over to a solemn Lexa "Take care, okay?" 

"Okay" Lexa says before they walk their distinct paths. 

In the quiet loneliness they miss each other's brief company. 

The day ends. The night begins. Their eyelids are heavy but their thoughts are heavier and sleep is a precious rarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed that! As always, lemme know what you thought. Come yell at me on tumblr: ambivalentprejudice


	4. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's me again.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this and it isn't too much. 
> 
> Comment and let me know... beja.

"OH my God, I missed you SO much!"

"Aww, Griffin, we missed you too!"

"What? No. I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to this heavenly piece of chocolate right here, Octavia" Clarke says with a full mouth

"Dickhead" Raven says with a smirk

"Why is chocolate not allowed in here again?" Octavia asks 

"I dunno. Something about healthy body and healthy mind bullshit which really makes no sense because we can have cakes and stuff" Clarke says "How did you guys sneak this in here anyway?"

"I was gonna stick it in my pants but then Octavia wouldn't let me." 

"Ew."

"So much for gratitude." Raven huffs. Then, "Anyway, so Octavia made real friendly with the nurse dude and he let her bring it in"

"Which one?" Clarke mumbles as she unwraps the second bar

"The big guy. Real muscel-y, nice smile, kind eyes. Something like Laurence?" Raven says 

"Lincoln." Octavia chimes in. 

"Ohhhh. Lincoln. Yeah he's cool." 

"You should have seen the flirting, Griffin, it was sickening." 

Clarke smiles a smile so wide at Octavia and bears her chocolate covered teeth. 

Raven and Octavia burst out laughing at the display. 

It was visiting day and since Abby and Jake had visited Clarke last week, it was Raven and Octavia's turns. Sure, phone calls were something but when a nice hug and surprise chocolate are involved, it just doesn't even compare. 

//

"Thanks for the books" Lexa says as she withdraws herself from Anya's embrace. 

"What books?" 

"The books you sent me last week?" Lexa asks with a wrinkled nose

"I didn't send you any books."

"Oh. Never mind then." She wonders who sent her the package but she stores the thought and packages it away for later because right now, she has other important issues to discuss. 

"Are there any updates? When am I gonna get out of here?" Lexa asks with a slight hope burning in her green eyes, a hope she can't contain and yet she knows she cannot allow to flourish. 

Anya looks at her in that stoic and yet solemn way. The same way she looked at her when her hamster died ten years ago. It wasn't a look she saw often but when she did, her heart always broke.

"I'm sorry, Lexa" Anya finally says 

"Just hang in there. I hired the best lawyer a couple of weeks ago but he says this is all very hush hush, the institute keeps this kinda stuff on the very down low and is prepared to do whatever it takes to protect itself. He says he's trying to find previous patie... victims testaments but it's hard to do when they won't come out. No pun intended." Anya explains. 

They continue talking light heartedly, Anya's telling Lexa about work, her pet fish and how even though she keeps feeding them and changing their water, they still die too soon anyway. Lexa smiles and laughs when appropriate and when the bell rings, the sorrow in their eyes is almost tangible.

They walk out the room hesitantly and yet with purpose. They hold hands as Anya whispers words of encouragement and hope and they're both too distracted in their goodbye to see a Raven leaning on the wall and fiddling with her brace. 

Anya bumps into her. 

"HEY! Watch it, cheekbones" Raven says 

Lexa leans forward to help her stabilize but gets swatted away by an angry Raven. 

"Calm your tits" Anya says 

"Shut your mouth, gimpy" Raven replies finally managing to balance herself 

The sounds of a distressed Raven finally manage to wake Octavia from her daze of staring at Lincoln and Clarke from giggling at Octavia.

"Look who's talking" Anya replies with a playful smirk 

"I'm gonna have to punch another bitch, aren't I?" Clarke whispers to a serious Octavia as they arrive at the battlefield 

Clarke is glaring daggers at a smirking Anya when "Clarke! Hey, Clarke. No harm no foul, just an accident" Lexa blurts out

"Oh. Hey Lexa." Clarke says immediately lessening the intensity of her glare. Brief introductions are made and Lexa is surprised that Clarke calls her "my only friend in this shithole".

"Everything okay?" Clarke asks Raven 

"Yeah, everything's peachy, Griffin. This doofus just bumped into me" Raven says pointing at Anya 

Anya opens her mouth to protest but is distracted by a searing pain in her foot as Lexa crushes her toe. Anya mumbles curse words at Lexa and Lexa begins to drag Anya away. 

"Real classy, cheekbones. Bump into a disabled girl and leave her slumped and oh so so alone!" Raven yells at Anya too dramatically but the annoyance in her voice is masked by the shit-eating grin on her face. 

"This fucker." Anya mumbles to Lexa

"Go help her." Lexa pleads and with those big green puppy eyes, and really, who could say no? 

So Anya offers her shoulder to a more than happy Raven as the trio begin making their way out with an Octavia purposefully having to remind herself not to drool every time she catches Lincoln's eyes. 

//

"Your friends?" Lexa asks Clarke as they make their way to the dining hall for dinner.

"Yup. Yours?" 

"Nah. Anya is my cousin." 

It's not much of a conversation but that doesn't matter. Over the course of the past week, they learnt to enjoy each other's quiet company and sometimes, there's not many words to be said to a stranger. Sometimes, you enjoy another's company regardless of the lack of spoken words and it has become a silent agreement that in such a lonely place, it helps to not be alone. 

Lexa takes a seat at a table situated in the middle of the hall whilst Clarke goes to pile food on her plate. She returns with a plate filled with rice, chicken and vegetables. 

"Why aren't you eating anything?" Clarke asks 

"Not hungry" Lexa shrugs

"Too healthy for ya?" 

"Yup" Lexa lies. She just isn't hungry. 

Clarke looks around wearily and suspiciously. Lexa raises an eyebrow.

"Here" Clarke whispers and bumps Lexa's knee underneath the table 

Lexa reaches down and takes ... something? from Clarke's hand. Warm hands, she thinks. Lexa's hands are always cold. She looks down and when she realizes what it is, her eyes open wide in surprise and her it's the first time her smile reaches her eyes in the last 5 months. 

"DUDE. How did you get chocolate?!" Lexa beams 

"SHHHHHH." Clarke says placing her finger to her own mouth

"Oh shit, sorry." Lexa whispers "But seriously, how?"

"My friends snuck it in" Clarke replies a little too proudly.

Lexa doesn't hesitate and she wraps the bar in a tissue and takes a big, sneaky bite. 

Clarke smiles and thinks that look on Lexa's face was definitely worth her last bar of chocolate. 

She eats her crappy vegetables and Lexa hums over the taste of chocolate and when the bar is over she smiles at Clarke with chocolate covered teeth and Clarke finally understands why her friends laughed so hard earlier in the day. 

Meal time is over and Clarke makes her way to empty her tray. 

"I saw that" She hears over her shoulder 

She jumps and sees an orderly she's seen around before but hasn't spoken to. He's handsome with long brown hair and piercing brown eyes. 'Finn' his name tag reads. 

"Saw what?" 

"What you gave your friend" Finn replies cooly 

Clarke's eyes widen and before she could defend herself he continues, "Don't worry. I'm not gonna say anything. Coz I'm cool like that." He gives her a smile and she thinks he isn't half bad. 

They talk for a while and Lexa sees them in the periphery of her vision and something dark stings at her and she worries that if Clarke has another friend, she wouldn't need her anymore. She busies herself with gathering her bag and tying her shoes and steals glances at a giggling Clarke now casually giving Finn lingering touches on his shoulder. Is this.. jealousy? No. It's a war of needs and she needs a friend. 

...Right?

The conversation doesn't last long and by the time Lexa's out the door, Clarke is jogging to catch up to her. 

"Well, that was close" Clarke says trying to catch her breath

"What was?" Lexa snaps 

Clarke eyes her wearily with a glance that says 'woah, easy there' but continues on regardless "Finn saw... our crime" She leans in and whispers. 

Lexa wants to laugh. She really does. Clarke's being silly and gleaming at her with those dark blue eyes and she often, she can't help but stare and smile. But right now? Right now she can help it. "Who the hell is Finn?"

"That orderly I was talking to." Then, "He said not to worry though because he isn't going to tell anyone." Clarke says with a smile that indicates she's proud of herself. 

"What's the catch then?" 

"There's no catch..." 

Lexa stops in her tracks and stares at Clarke with folded arms. 

"Okay fine there's a catch. He wants me to meet him today at 8 in the pantry. He says he's got something cool to show me." 

"That doesn't sound safe, Clarke."

"Well, if you're so concerned, why don't you come with me? Lock up is at 9 anyway."

"No." Lexa says dimly starts walking again. The chocolate suddenly tasted bitter in her mouth. Typical, she thinks, one moment's pleasure always has consequences. 

"Fine." Clarke huffs and begins to walk away. 

//

It's 8:11 pm. She doesn't want to go check on Clarke, she really doesn't. She doesn't even want to think about Clarke. But the gleam she saw in his eyes worry her and this burning feeling in the pit of her gut won't go away. She's bored anyways she thinks, it'll be quick she thinks. I'll head over to the pantry for a moment, check on her and come back. It'll be 'fun'. 

So here Lexa is, making her walk to the pantry. She arrives at 8:16 pm, she notes as she glances at the gloomy clock. 

The door is closed and there are muffled noises behind the door. She can vaguely hear Clarke's laugh and raspy voice but what strikes her is the deep voice that accompanies it. A pang of jealousy strikes her but is quickly replaced by the relief that her friend is safe. 

She turns and begins to walk away when she hears a loud "NO." come from the door. It stops her in her tracks. The voices are louder but still muffled. She can't hear what's being said but it's surprising how quickly the atmosphere shifted. Something's wrong. 

Lexa hesitantly turns around and grabs for the door knob and the sight in front of her chills her to her core. Finn has Clarke's hand in his and it's clear he's forcibly pressing it against his crotch. Clarke is struggling to pull away but he's got her cornered. They both freeze and stare at Lexa who is looking at Finn with a glare so intense that Clarke is surprised he didn't just keel over and die. 

Lexa's yelling now. It's not clear what she says but it is clear she strikes Finn. He's big though. He's too big for her tiny and undernourished frame and he manages to grab her wrists firmly as she attempts to strike him with her fists. It doesn't stop her and she pushes him back with everything she's got and he falls backwards on a shelf. The shelf topples and the contents crumble on the floor creating a commotion. A commotion so loud, she's sure everyone heard it and she's glad, she could use the help. She takes advantage of his fall and kicks him in the ribs. Hard. Clarke's looking in amazement. How can someone so small have a fire so big? 

"Ms Woods!" 

She freezes. The voice all too familiar. It's him. The 'doctor' who has tortured her frame for so many months and invades even her subconscious to haunt her in her dreams. 

It gives Finn enough time to stand up. 

"What is the meaning of this?" The man is yelling now, approaching her. 

"I caught them together in here" Finn wheezes. 

"What?" The man seethes through gritted teeth. 

Lexa's paralyzed in fear. 

Clarke sees the look in her eyes and steps in "NO! This pig was trying to rape me, Lexa jumped in and she SAVED me. She's a hero."

"No, she's not." Finn says gripping his chest where she kicked him. "I caught them in here together. They lesbianing together" he wheezes 

The man's eyes widen. The death sentence has already been passed in his mind. Clarke argues and pleads to let him see the light. But Lexa knows. She knows it's pointless, so she stands there next to Clarke and she steadies herself and tries to calm herself because Clarke's voice is shaking. 

"Enough!" The man yells, "Lesbian request denied." He says calmly. 

Clarke looks at him with wide eyes and an open mouth. She can't believe what's happening. Lexa can. She can because she knows. 

He looks at Finn, who has now regained his strength. 

"Mr. Finnly, would you please accompany Ms. Woods to solitary confinement? I think she needs some alone time to consider her actions."

"No! Punish me instead then, it was my fault! Punish ME" Clarke jumps to defend but is quickly silenced by Lexa's hand holding hers and squeezing tightly. Green eyes say it all: 'it's okay.'

"That wouldn't do Ms. Griffin, your mother wouldn't be too happy about that."

"Gladly" Finn says with a sneer. He grabs hold of Lexa's tiny frame and she doesn't struggle. She's tired now. 

"Oh and Mr. Finnly?"

They stop. 

"Yes, sir?"

"It's cold in there. Make sure that Ms. Woods is wearing a ... jacket." He says and his smile is so grim it makes her sick. 

Clarke stands by idly. She's not scared. She's terrified. Guilt overflows and she wants to scream, yell, call for help. Anything. But nothing comes out. The silence is overwhelming and only broken by a voice so evil she wants to tear her ears off her head. 

"Let's go now, Ms. Griffin." 

She walks out the pantry and sees that the commotion did indeed gather a crowd. 

Lincoln looks at her through weary eyes and she knows the verdict is worse than she thought before. She wonders what just happened. She's so confused that her head hurts. It hurts almost as much as her heart. 

He locks her in her room and she sits on her bed. Her thoughts overwhelm her as she recounts the events of the night. It doesn't matter how many times she replays the events, she doesn't understand. It doesn't make sense. 

The sound of her door being unlocked springs her from her thoughts and from the bed. She stands with wide eyes and gritted teeth, she's scared still and the adrenaline rushes through her body. She's prepared for a fight if need be. But there isn't a need to fight when she sees Lincoln staring right back at her. 

He hugs her tightly, almost as if she's broken and he's trying to put her back together. The hug doesn't last and soon he's leading her by her forearm. She doesn't need to ask where she's going. She knows. 

//

Lexa doesn't struggle when Finn puts the straitjacket on. She knows it will only lead to physical violence and she really doesn't want a repeat of the black eye when she refused the straps. So she stands there as he tugs it on and clasps all the buckles. It's tight. 

He throws her in the room. Wow. It really is cold and she almost is thankful for the jacket. 

The darkness overwhelms her. She doesn't usually mind the darkness. In fact, sometimes, she welcomes it. Sometimes when you don't want anyone else to see you or when you want to tame your senses, darkness is the way to go. 

But this? This darkness she hasn't experienced before. It's almost as if she doesn't exist. It's horrifying. She wants to scream, she wants to escape but the jacket weighs heavily on her chest and she can't breathe. She's gasping for air and her chest constricts against the tightness of the jacket. She leans against the wall in an attempt to steady herself and realizes that they're padded. It's comforting. At least something is soft in this bone shattering darkness. But it's not enough and the panic attack continues until... 

She hears a noise and suddenly there's a light piercing through the dark room. It hurts her eyes and she looks away and does her best to bury her head in her chest. 

Lincoln's voice peaks through and she can't understand what he's saying. His tone is calm and she's relieved to not feel so... alone. 

She hears Clarke's voice next and she isn't so calm. 

"What the fuck are you doing, Lincoln? Get her the fuck out of there." 

"I can't. I don't have the key!"

Clarke peaks through the small opening in the wall and sees a shadow of a person. She can't see those gleaming green eyes but she can hear her struggling for breath. She puts her hand through the door and assumes this is what they used to deliver food and water to the poor soul stuck behind the door. 

"I'm here, Lexa. I'm here, can you hold my hand?"

"No. I can't" Lexa manages to croak out. 

Clarke is confused and when she takes her hand out and glances through, she sees the jacket and rage bubbles in her chest. 

But she contains it because Lexa's struggling and it's all her fault. 

"I'm so sorry" Clarke says and she holds back the tears that are struggling to escape. 

"I'm so sorry but I'm here. Count to ten with me, okay?"

And Lexa does. By the time they reach ten, she's looking at Clarke with those beautiful but terrified green eyes and her chest feels less heavy despite the jacket. 

They sit like that for the longest time, green and blue and the blackness that surrounds them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me on tumblr at ambivalentprejudice
> 
> Or leave a comment because I thrive for them and have become a comment-junkie relatively fast.


	5. Tick Tock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, again. 
> 
> I hope you all are not sick of this yet. 
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and the so so so nice comments, they seriously make my entire day.

The ticking clock is the only thing that indicates the passage of time. 

It's loud and it's uncomfortable; it is the only thing that is breaking the silence. It whips through the air like a lash because it is awful to spend so much time  _waiting._

Waiting for what? Neither knows. 

They stand in silence with knowing looks. Lexa's trembling not only because it's cold but also because of her aching limbs and heaviness on her chest. 

Clarke's trembling because of the overwhelming guilt.  _This is all her fault._

What feels like hours pass before a word is muttered. 

"I'm tired." Lexa whispers through the cold air. 

"Rest. I'll stay here. With you" Clarke croaks her voice betraying her innermost emotions. 

"No." Lexa says. Then "I don't need your pity."

"Pity? Lexa, I don't pity you."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?" 

Clarke shakes her head and she's tempted to laugh because how  _ridiculous..._

"Lexa. I'm looking at you with admiration. I admire you. You're so strong. What you did today..." Clarke shakes her head again 

"Lexa, what you did today was powerful. You're powerful" 

Another silence falls. 

Lexa shifts her gaze and begins to sit against the door. She lays her legs out in front of her and Clarke does the same. They're so close and yet so far. Separated by nothing and yet everything. 

"You're unstoppable." Lexa says with a voice so low it's barely audible. 

The room wasn't meant to contain patients for a long time. It's made with padded walls and locks because patients are taken there only when they are a risk to themselves or to others and then taken out once they've calmed down. Is that what Lexa is? A risk? A threat to be contained? 

Lexa's eyes are heavy and the coldness is pulling her to sleep and she almost does.  _Almost;_ a word so painful, a word so hopeful and yet only indicates failure of unimaginable magnitudes. 

The shuffling of feet brings her back to full consciousness and she doesn't know what she feels. She's too tired to peak through the door now and she doesn't have to because soon, 

"Clarke, hey, you have to get up now. You have to go back to your room before check in" Lincoln says in his strong but kind voice. 

"No."

"What good will you do if you're locked up too? If you're unaccounted for, they'll sound the alarms and you'll get into trouble. After your session, I'll bring you back here, okay?"

"I'm not leaving Lexa."

"Yes you are. Go now, Clarke. I'll be fine." Lexa says with a firm voice. 

"No."

"Please" Lexa says "Please go" 

Silence. 

"Please" it comes out a croak more than a word. But it's enough and Clarke's on her way. 

//

They say that freedom is measured by the mind and not the physicality of entrapment. Lexa tests this theory and her thoughts venture through the four walls she is contained in. She thinks of everything else but the present. She reminds herself of memories, past conversations, moments she found funny or sad because any emotion is better than numbness, she thinks of lyrics, she replays movies in her mind but forgotten scenes anger her. 

She settles on imagination. She imagines walking through a field filled with flowers. Images of colour burst through her mind followed by the almost real imagination of the beautiful smell of the petals and the softness against her fingertips as she reaches out and touches them. She imagines the sun on her skin and the warmth that bubbles from within her.

She imagines it starts to rain. But the rain is not harsh. It is beautiful and warm against her skin and she extends her hands and looks at the sky filled with clouds. There is peace in the rain as it washes away tears, sins and pain. If paradise was real then this field would be it. But this is not paradise, if anything, this is hell. 

But she doesn't fray because Lexa forces herself to stay there and not come back  _here._  

//

Clarke tries to find peace, she tries to envision a blankness but all she sees is emptiness. Marcus is not happy but Marcus is kind and she figures she'll make up for it later. 

When she is excused she makes her way to Lincoln and gives him knowing glares through small crowds of patients and orderlies. He dismisses himself from his current company and makes his way over to Clarke as casually as possible. They walk together and they're almost half way there before Clarke remembers how thirsty she is. 

It strikes her all at once. They haven't had a bite of food or a sip of water since yesterday's meal and Lexa must be famished. Worse: she must be extremely dehydrated. 

So she forces Lincoln to wait for her as she gathers 'supplies' from the dining hall and makes her way back to the dreaded corridor. 

As expected, the corridor is empty. 

//

Lexa startles when the light shines through the door but she is ever so grateful because she doesn't know how much longer she could have gone in her world of pretence. Sometimes reality is too demanding, especially with an itchy nose.  

Clarke greets her and shoves the water bottle through the door. "Here, have a drink"

"I... can't" Lexa says helplessly, shrugging her shoulders as best she could through the tight crevices of her jacket. 

"Oh. Fuck. I forgot, I'm sorry." Clarke says sheepishly "Here let me help." 

Lexa wants to say no. She's been degraded enough, she doesn't want to accept help or admit that she needs it in the first place. But her mouth is dry and her throat is sore, so she leans in towards Clarke's searching hands. Clarke uses one hand to touch Lexa's lips and then cup her cheek and the other hand to tilt the water bottle towards her mouth as steady as she can.  _Warm hands,_ Lexa thinks. 

Of course, it's not steady and some water spills all over Lexa's chin, neck and jacket but the majority of it quenches her thirst and she is ever so grateful. 

"Thank you." She gasps. 

"Don't mention it." Clarke says as she drinks. 

When Clarke finishes her own drink, she holds a piece of toast through the door for Lexa. "Now eat." 

"Not hungry" 

"I don't have anymore chocolate, you have to eat this" 

"I'm not hungry"

"Lexa, fucking eat"

"I'm not fucking hungry, damn it!" Lexa yells

Clarke retracts her hand in defeat. She glares at Lexa and Lexa glares back. 

Clarke huffs and leans against the door. "You're so fucking stubborn, you know that?" 

"You should go, Clarke. What if they find you here?" 

"Then they find me here. What's the big deal?"

"They'll punish you."

Clarke scoffs "I highly doubt that. That  _doctor_  of yours seems scared of my mother so he can go fuck himself." 

"Why is he scared of your mother?"

"She's a doctor too. Has connections in the medical world. He wouldn't dare punish me lest he wishes to suffer her wrath."

Lexa laughs a low laugh and Clarke is pleased with herself. 

"Clarke.." Lexa says in a quiet voice.

"Yeah?" 

"I urm I..."

Clarke gets up and looks back at Lexa now. "What is it? What's wrong?" 

"My urm..."

"What is it? What do you need?"

Lexa sighs a sigh so deep and Clarke is looking at her with so much concern. 

"My nose is itchy" Lexa says hurriedly

"Oh! Oh" Clarke laughs but it's a bitter laugh. How can people be so cruel?

Clarke reaches through the door and scratches gently at Lexa's nose. 

"Harder" 

"That's what she says" Clarke murmurs

"Really? Really, Clarke? Now?"

"Sorry, it's a reflex. Blame my idiotic friend" Clarke says with a smile.

And for once, Lexa doesn't regret asking for help. For once, Lexa is not ashamed for receiving it. 

"How long are they going to keep you in there?" Clarke says 

"Until my soul rots away" Lexa replies exhaling a large breath and pretending to fall on the padded floor 

"Oh, don't be so dramatic." Clarke laughs.

"How long do they usually keep people in here?" Lexa asks whilst struggling to sit back up. She did not think this through. 

"A couple of hours."

"How long have I been in here?"

"It's been 84 years..." Clarke says in an old lady voice 

"Woah." Lexa laughs

"Yup." 

"Seriously, what did you do to end up in here? Did the chicken lay golden eggs or something?"

Lexa laughs and surprisingly, it's genuine. 

"Do you wanna play a game?" Clarke asks 

"A game?" Lexa says with a raised eyebrow. 

"Yeah. God only know how much longer you're gonna be in there. Might as well make the best out of a crappy situation, right?"

"Hmm. Okay. What kinda game? I can't really do... much." Lexa says and points her chin at her torso. 

"21 questions" Clarke says with a laugh

"Yeah, okay, I can do that. No questions about why I'm here though. You start."

"Okay. What color are my eyes?" Clarke says whilst dramatically looking away and placing her hand over her eyes. 

"That's easy. They're the same color as the chips ahoy packet." Lexa says with a shrug. 

"Wow. You paint with words" Clarke says with a smile. Then, "what's your favourite food?" 

"Wait. It's my turn to ask a question. What's your most embarrassing moment to date?"

"Urgh. Do I have to say?" 

"Yup." Lexa says with a devilish grin

"When I was 5, I shat my pants in school and everyone called me shit girl." Clarke says with blushed cheeks. 

Lexa laughs. 

Then, silence. Lexa sighs "I probably shouldn't laugh too much. There's no toilet in here and if they don't let me out soon, I'm probably gonna pee my pants." Lexa bows her head in shame. 

The change in atmosphere is tangible.

Clarke gives her  _that_  look. A look that says 'I understand', a look that says 'it's okay'. A look that says 'I'm sorry'. 

The game ends just like that. 

//

It's almost time for lock-up and Lincoln comes to collect Clarke. Clarke doesn't leave without a fight and promises to be back as soon as she can. 

Lexa's alone yet again. 

This time it's not so easy to go to a happy place, not when her bladder is screaming at her and the restless builds in her bones. She's so tired and yet so full of unspent energy. Her arms hurt and her shoulders are so sore. She misses Clarke and her beautiful, knowing, chips ahoy eyes. 

Tears are threatening to fill down her cheeks as she becomes overwhelmed with frustration and desperation but they stop in their tracks when she hears the muffled voices and the clinging of keys. 

The door bursts open and she flinches away from the light. It burns. It feels as though someone poured acid into her eyes and she cowers in a corner and buries her head between her chest and knees. 

Finn grabs her by her jacket and stands her up. Her eyes are clenched shut as he pushes her through the corridor. It takes a while for them to adjust and by the time she opens her eyes, she's being pushed into her room and the door is being locked. They didn't bother taking the jacket off. Fucking great. 

She makes her way to the small bathroom in her room and struggles hard to get her pants off without the use of her hands. It really is a struggle and even after twenty minutes, she still hasn't made any progress. The only thing that stops her awkward dance around the bathroom is the room's door being unlocked and Clarke appears with a concerned Lincoln. 

"Clarke! The jacket, Clarke get the fucking jack.." She doesn't even have to finish her sentence before Clarke is running towards her and begins fiddling with the many buckles. When she's finished and Lexa regained use of her hands, she shoves Clarke out of the bathroom and locks the door in record breaking time. 

Clarke thinks that this situation would be funny under any circumstance but it's just down right wrong. Lincoln says he'll be back before check-in tomorrow and Clarke nods in acknowledgement. 

She sits on the bed and her heart goes out to Lincoln, who reminds her that good people still exist in this world. Good, selfless people. She gives him a quiet prayer of thanks and by the time she's done Lexa steps out of the bathroom.

 

 _She looks so pale,_ Clarke thinks. 

Lexa's hands are shaking from their underuse but her eyes dart directly to Clarke and widen in surprise. 

"What are you doing here?" Lexa says in a harsh tone that she didn't intend, "No, I mean, thank you, but won't we get in trouble?" 

"Lincoln's coming back tomorrow morning before check-in" Clarke replies "And I didn't want either of us to be alone tonight. I think we've been alone enough. Don't you?"

Lexa can't argue with that. She has been alone enough. More than enough. 

"Why is Lincoln helping me?" 

"Because he's a good person. More than that  _you're_ a good person." 

Lexa sits on the bed close to Clarke. Their knees are almost touching.  _Almost._

 _"_ I'm tired. Can I... " Clarke hesitates "Can I sleep next to you tonight?"

It takes Lexa by surprise. Lexa wants to say no because it's not right. Lexa wants to say no because she can't let herself get attached to Clarke more than she already is. But more than anything, she wants to say yes because she's human and Clarke is the most beautiful and kind person she's met. 

Lexa responds by taking her shoes off and getting under the covers. She pats the space next to her. 

Clarke grins and jumps right in. Lexa faces away from Clarke and Clarke puts her hand around Lexa's waist. It's tentative at first but when Lexa leans into her touch, Clarke grips her firmly and they settle like that with Clarke's front to Lexa's back. Blonde and brown hair mixing on the pillow. Breaths slowing and steadying. It feels so good to be so warm and comforted after being so cold and distorted. 

Human nature can be cruel and even just plain evil but it can also be beautiful and loving. And tonight, they both wish for time to stand still because they're not waiting anymore, they're just experiencing. 

//

Clarke's screams wake them up. She's sweating and her breathing is more like gasping. Rough and ragged with wide blue eyes and a terrified expression on her face. Lexa jumps so hard she falls off the bed. 

"Jesus- Clarke, you scared the shit out of me!" Lexa says with concern more than anger

"I'm sorry" 

"It's okay. Everything's okay. You're safe." Lexa says as she scoots back into the bed.

Clarke's laying on her back now and Lexa carefully drapes her arm over her waist. It's a very good sign when Clarke doesn't shift away or flinch from the touch. So she snuggles up to Clarke. 

"I'll be the big spoon now." Lexa says 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll be the big bad spoon and frighten any nightmares away." 

Clarke smiles and in that moment, that's enough. It has to be. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, come yell at me on tumblr at ambivalentprejudice
> 
> Or, better yet, please leave comments and thoughts.
> 
> Next chapter might not be out tomorrow (maybe) because med school is a bitch but it'll be out after tomorrow at the latest.


	6. Run away with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's me again. 
> 
> I know I said I would post daily, alas, life got in the way. 
> 
> But I'm back now! Yay? 
> 
> Lemme know what you think!

"Are you having impure thoughts about Ms. Griffin?"

Lexa doesn't answer. There's no point. She shuffles her feet and stares intently at the floor. 

"These urges... " He says gesturing to the air around her, "these urges are making you weak. Giving into them is weakness and you have to learn how to be strong and say no." 

Lexa doesn't answer. 

"The aversive therapy isn't working." He says calmly, then "We are going to have to result to... other methods." 

Lexa's eyes shoot up and she stares at him, fear bubbling through the pit of her stomach. 

He  _smiles._ He knows he's got her now. He's got her undivided, terrified attention. 

 

//

 

Lexa's startled by the door being unlocked. Her shaky hands drop the bottle and pills fly and land all over her bedroom floor. She can hear Clarke's low voice mumbling 'thank you' to who she assumes is Lincoln.

She quickly crouches down and begins to pick up the pills as fast as she can, but she isn't fast enough. 

Clarke closes the door and when she turns around, her smile immediately dissipates. The first thing Clarke notices is Lexa's injured lip. The second thing she notices is Lexa's rapid movements and the white pills scattered all over the floor. She looks at Lexa with confusion in her eyes and when Lexa looks back up at her with what she can only interrupt as a mixture of fear and shame, it all clicks.  

"What the fuck are you doing?" Clarke spits at Lexa. 

"What are you doing here Clarke?" Lexa spits back 

"I convinced Lincoln to let me spend the night. Thank bloody fuck I did that, huh?" 

"You should go."

"No. You should grow the fuck up." 

Lexa shakes as she stands up and she wishes for the ground to open and swallow her up. 

"How many did you fucking take?" Clarke yells more than asks. 

Lexa's silence forces Clarke to close the distance between them and grab her by her shoulders. She shakes her and screams again "How many did you fucking take, Lexa?" 

"Fucking answer me!" 

"Seven" Lexa mumbles and tears build in her eyes. 

Clarke shoves her into the bathroom and pushes her in front of the toilet, she grabs Lexa's cheeks and forces her mouth open. Lexa is struggling, she's trying to swat Clarke's hands away. Her lip is throbbing but she can't; Clarke's too strong when she's infuriated. 

Clarke shoves two fingers down Lexa's throat and Lexa gags and bites down. Clarke yelps and quickly withdraws her fingers. 

"You have to fucking throw them up, you stupid fucking bitch. If you don't stop fighting me, I'll give you a lot more than a burst lip to worry about." Clarke says with fury in her voice. 

Lexa's never seen her like this before, not even at the phone incident.  

"Don't bite, okay?" Clarke says as she repeats the process. She's successful this time and she thanks her lucky stars when Lexa keels over and releases the contents of her stomach. 

Clarke washes her hands and wipes the blood from her fingers before she calmly goes back to the room and sits on the bed. She puts her head in her hands and wishes for better days.

Lexa hesitantly follows her and sits on the bed making sure to leave some distance between them.

"Where did you get those?" Clarke asks in a trembling voice. The adrenaline is beginning to leave her body and she's starting to feel the weariness. 

"I stole them from the nurse when she wasn't looking." 

"Why?" Clarke asks and turns her face towards the shaking mess of a person sitting next to her. 

"Because I'm tired. I'm so tired. My soul is tired." Lexa says and the tears stream down her face. 

Clarke doesn't know what to say so she holds Lexa's hand instead.

A moment of silence passes but it isn't uncomfortable; it's meaningful. 

"Did you even think about what that would do to me?" Clarke manages to say as she swallows around the lump in her throat. 

"I'm sure you would have found someone else to waste your time in here with until you got out."

"Is that what you think of me? Am I just a distraction? A way to  _waste_ time?" Clarke asks with a hurt look on her face. 

"No. You're..." Lexa searches for the word "Special. You elevate yourself and I... I'm just-"

"You're my friend." Clarke interrupts. 

"You're my friend and you're so kind, and beautiful and you're funny with those stupid little fucking jokes you make. When I'm with people, I just want them to leave, to get away from me because I can't keep putting in the fucking effort it takes to talk to them. But when you're with me, when you're with me, it's just soo... effortless. It's so effortless and it's the first time in a very very long time that I haven't felt so terribly alone. I'm tired too, Lexa. I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of the constant anxiety that's become a part of me, I'm tired of always fighting so fucking hard. I'm tired of the sleepless nights and the meaningless conversations and you can't even begin to understand how many times I wished I would never wake up again. I stopped fighting long before I landed myself in here. I kinda just... gave up. I gave up on my family, on my academics, on my life but when I'm with you, you make me want to fight again." 

Clarke finally takes a breath and looks away from Lexa. "It breaks my heart that I don't make you feel the same way." Clarke says and her voice breaks and cracks under the weight of her pain. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." Lexa says and she wraps Clarke up in her arms. 

They sit there together silently crying into each other's shoulders. 

"Thank you" Lexa mumbles into Clarke's wet shoulder. 

They finally pull apart from each other. 

"What happened to your lip?" Clarke asks

"I told the doctor to kiss my ass so he slapped me." 

"That's abuse." 

"According to him, that's discipline."

Lexa can see the rage slowly building in Clarke's eyes and attempts to distract her. 

"Anyway, enough about that. How was your day?"

Clarke hesitates a moment, unsure whether to pursue the topic or respect Lexa's intent to change the subject. 

"It was fine." She opts for the latter. 

"How's hippie Kane?" 

"He's fine." Clarke says, her mind buzzing with a million thoughts. Is this what pushed Lexa over the edge? This  _doctor's_ pathetic attempt at 'discipline'? She's dying to know more, she's dying to burst through the door and beat the shit out of him but when she looks over at the fragile person sitting next to her, looking at her with big green expectant eyes, she knows better than to push it. 

"He wants us to do this dance." Clarke continues 

Lexa smiles. It's small and sad but it's still a smile and that counts for something, right?

"What kinda dance?" Lexa asks with amusement replacing the sorrow in her voice.

"A spiritual dance of sorts" 

Lexa raises an eyebrow and Clarke continues "He wants us to choreograph an expressive dance to show our innermost emotions and how we're dealing with them."

"What?" 

"I don't know... I don't understand half the things he says. Basically, make up a shitty little dance and perform it in front of an audience in a week's time." 

Lexa chuckles as she imagines Clarke flailing her limbs around. I mean, don't get her wrong, Clarke is gorgeous, she's just not very... graceful. 

Clarke hugs her tight and just as her weary eyes close, she hears Lexa whisper "you make me want to fight too."

//

It's visiting day. 

Clarke makes her way to the visiting room and finds Octavia and Raven already waiting for her. Her heart bursts in her chest as she leaps to gather them both in a big hug. Sometimes you don't realise how much you missed someone until you see them again. 

They exchange pleasantries and Clarke assures them that she's fine. 

"i'm worried about my friend though." Clarke continues 

"What friend?" Octavia asks 

"How dare you make other friends?" Raven asks 

"Serious talk, Raven." 

"Aww man. Fine. What about your friend?" Raven says as she wiggles her eyebrows. 

"It's not like that. Lexa's bee-"

"Who the fuck is Lexa?" Octavia asks 

"Anya's cousin?" Raven offers

"Who the fuck is Anya?" It's Clarke's turn to be confused. 

"Anya's Raven's new girlfriend." 

"Shut up." Raven says as she playfully smacks Octavia's arm. "She's my friend. My very attractive friend who I do not spend days and nights dreaming and crying about." 

"Okay. Anyway. Now that we know who everyone is, back to the story. Lexa's in a pure shit storm here you guys. Last week she tried to do something so fucking stupid" 

Raven and Octavia's eyes widen 

"Did she try to escape?" Octavia asks 

"Well, no." Something shines bright in Clarke's eyes. "That's actually not a bad idea, O." 

"What?" Both brunettes say simultaneously. 

"Maybe that's what she needs. Maybe that's what I need. We need to get out of here." 

"No, no no. No." Octavia says. 

"Listen. Linda listen to me." Clarke continues, "I'm not saying escape forever, okay? Just like for a night." 

"Urm... yeah, no, not gonna hap-."

"Hear her out, O." Raven interrupts. 

"What do you have in mind, Griffin?" Raven says with that mischievous smirk they all know too well. 

"Oh my God, I'm going to be on the news, aren't I?" Octavia says as she drops her head dramatically on the table. 

//

"No, Clarke. No" Lexa says as she paces her room.

"Why not?" 

"Because it's crazy."

"So? We're already in a mental asylum, might as well do something a little crazy."

"Clarke, if we get caught, we'd get into some serious trouble and then they'd never let me out."

"Well, Lexa, first off: we aren't going to get caught. Secondly, honestly, does it look like they're going to let you out anytime soon?"

Lexa stops her pacing and looks at Clarke. 

"Look, you're already being beaten black and blue. You come back every day and you have new bruises on your face and I can see it in your eyes, you need a break. So just, trust me, okay?" Clarke says with her big blue puppy dog eyes. 

"What's the plan again?" Lexa asks as she slumps down on the bed next to Clarke. 

"Okay, it's simple really. Octavia batted her eyes at Lincoln and convinced him to be our inside man. Not that he needed much convincing anyway, let's be real, everyone sees how much you're struggling. We'll wait for lock-up and when everyone is sleeping, he's going to unlock our doors and we'll make our way out. We'll make our way back here before check-in and no one will ever know we were gone."

"What about the gate?" Lexa asks hesitantly

"That's the best part. Raven's going to take care of that. She said some shit about hacking into the system and if that doesn't work then she's going to use some electromagnetic shit."

"Electromagnetic shit?" 

"Jeez, Lexa, I don't know what the fuck she said, there's a reason I quit physics and focused on biology instead. But I trust her wholeheartedly, she's good at what she does."

"You're crazy, you know that right?" 

"Aren't we all?" Clarke says with a smile that stretches from ear to ear. 

// 

Lexa wipes her sweaty hands on her jeans and tries to calm her breathing. She's so nervous. Clarke is fucking  _crazy,_ but Lexa can't help agreeing with her; she really does need a day, well, a night away.

When Lincoln finally unlocks the door, Lexa's a nervous wreck. But when she sees Clarke standing next to him with her damn chips ahoy eyes she can't help but smile. 

Clarke stands on her tip toes and kisses Lincoln on the cheek before thanking him for the millionth time and grabs Lexa's hand. 

"Come on, we gotta be quick now, Octavia just texted Lincoln saying they're outside."

They make their way outside to find Raven kneeling in front of the gate with a hairpin in hand and a nervous Octavia pointing a flashlight at the lock holding the gate closed. It's pitch black otherwise. 

"Electromagnetic shit, huh?" Lexa says 

The lock falls to the ground and Raven jumps in victory. 

"Well, it worked didn't it?" Clarke replies 

Octavia grabs Raven before she can do her victory dance and they quickly make their way to the car. 

Clarke and Lexa sit in the back with Raven driving.

"Lexa, this is Raven and that's Octavia" Clarke says

"And this is Charlotte" Raven says as she taps the steering wheel.  

Lexa quirks an eyebrow at Clarke who laughs and says "Charlotte is the car" 

"Oh." 

"Hi Lexa, it's really nice to meet you. Wish it were under less illegal circumstances but still" Octavia says 

"Same" Lexa replies with a chuckle. "Where are we going anyway?" 

"It's a surprise." Clarke says 

Raven turns on the radio and Lexa gasps excitedly when she hears Lana Del Rey's voice. 

"I fucking love this song" Lexa says before she starts quietly sining along

Clarke's grinning before she notices the bright yellow light. 

"RAVEN! Stop the car!" Clarke screams 

Raven almost slams on the brakes. 

"What?! What is it? Is it the popo?" Raven asks with wide eyes

Octavia and Lexa are looking out the window with panicked eyes before Clarke bursts out laughing 

"No. No chill the fuck out, look it's Mcdonald's! I want some fucking nuggets." 

All three look at Clarke with death glares. 

"You almost gave us a heart attack because of chicken nuggets?" Lexa seethes

"Well. They are to  _die_ for" Clarke says and laughs loudly at her own stupid joke. 

"That's it." Octavia says before she turns around and starts slapping Clarke's shoulder. 

"Ow! OW! Okay sorry sorry" 

Lexa rolls down the window and sticks her head out. Her thick curls flying everywhere and she enjoys the cool breeze hitting her face. The air tastes of freedom. Clarke holds the back of Lexa's shirt protectively all the way until they reach their destination. 

"Woah. A beach?" Lexa asks as she climbs down from the car. 

"Yeah. It's my favorite place here. It's so peaceful and beautiful. We used to come here all the time before... before stuff." Clarke says 

"Stuff?"

"Yeah. Stuff. Now come on, I have one more surprise for you." 

All four quietly make their way down to the shore. There are candles, blankets and a picnic basket all set up. 

"Hey there kiddo" 

Lexa's eyes open wide before she kicks off running "ANYA!" 

"I missed you so much" 

"I missed you too kiddo"

"How? I mean, like how di-?

"Raven invited me." 

"Really? Even after you pushed her?" 

"I DIDN'T PUS- you know what, never mind, just sit down."

They settle on the blankets and talk and laugh as the waves quietly crash along the shore. 

"Hey Clarkey, we have a surprise for you too" Octavia says 

"Oh my God, who is it? Is it my mom?" Clarke says as she looks around the shore with panicked eyes.

"No. Calm your tits" Raven says as she reaches over to the basket and takes out a Mcdonald's bag. 

Clarke  _lunges_ towards the bag and squeals when she takes out the chicken nuggets. 

"I fucking love chicken nuggets" she says with a full mouth 

"I've been imprisoned for far too long, away from you my beautiful nuggets" she continues.

Everyone laughs. It's beautiful. The wind picks up but it doesn't matter, not when they're all sitting so close together, huddled up in a big circle and just simply enjoying the experience. Nights like this don't happen often and when they do, when they do you wish for time to stop. You wonder how you could have spent your night any other way. You relish the experience and hope it'll be forever engrained in your memory as a happy one and not turn bitter like all the others. 

Clarke's just about done with her nuggets when Octavia takes out something else from the basket. 

Clarke's heart stops. 

"No" she whispers

"Oh yes" Raven says 

"You guys..." she starts to sniffle "I love you guys so much"

"Calm down, Griffin, it's just Nutella"

"Shhh... don't listen to them my beautiful chocolatey goodness, you're not  _just_ anything, you're beautiful. I can't wait to have you inside me." Clarke whispers to the Nutella jar before she takes the lid off and plunges her spoon into the deliciousness. 

"Hey Griffin" 

"Yeah?" Clarke says with a full mouth 

"What's better: Nutella or sex?" Raven asks 

Clarke scoffs and says "Nutella anytime" with a full mouth. 

//

It's over way too soon and now they're back in their rooms just like Clarke promised. It was by far the best night of Lexa's life. She had never felt so accepted, appreciated and happy. She had felt... complete with Clarke on one side and Anya the other. In just a short day she'd already grown fond of the brilliant, yet hilarious mechanic, and the kind eyed Octavia. 

She felt renewed and ready for another battle. She felt that maybe life could be more than just about surviving. 

//

 

"Lexa, can you stop eating the damn popcorn and focus for a second?" Clarke says clearly irritated. 

"Urgh. I don't know how to help you. Just practice your routine and I'll let you know how it is."

"What if it's no good? The performance is in two days time and Marcus invited my mother to watch. I don't want to make a fool of myself." 

"That's why you gotta practice. Come on now. Show me what you got" Lexa shoos her and stuffs another handful of popcorn in her mouth. 

"Don't laugh, okay? I've been working really hard on choreographing this." 

"Okay, I won't. I promise" Lexa says reassuringly.

"I can't believe I'm about to dance in front of you" Clarke murmurs as she walks up to the radio and starts the music. The music is tribal, almost animalistic. It's quite violent and upbeat. Clarke lays on the ground with her hand above her head dramatically, blonde hair unravelled across the floor, her legs outstretched in front of her. When the drumming starts, Clarke begins to move, she raises her arms up above her head and whips them around methodically (kinda). Lexa's beginning to struggle; her face is turning red as she holds in her laughter and she stuffs another handful of popcorn in her mouth to cover her soft giggles. 

Clarke suddenly shoots up and starts flailing her arms above her head and Lexa loses it. She lets out a heavy laugh from the bottom of her heart and when she gasps in for air she chokes on the popcorn and she's torn between choking and laughing. Clarke is not amused. 

Lexa can't breathe, she's still laughing but she's choking. She's actually choking. Her eyes are watering and her cheeks are as red as a baboon's ass. 

"Karma." Clarke says calmly. 

But Lexa seriously can't breathe anymore. 

"Lexa?" 

Lexa's beating on her chest and looking at Clarke with panicked eyes. 

"Oh shit" Clarke says as she quickly makes her way behind Lexa. She stands her up and places her hands under her ribs to perform the Heimlich maneuver. She squeezes Lexa twice before popcorn shoots out of her mouth and she relaxes back onto Clarke. 

"That... was amazing." Lexa says 

"Shut the fuck up. I should have let you choke."

//

It was performance day and the performers made their way 'backstage' to prepare.

All of the patients were allowed to attend, including Lexa who made her way to the front row. She was careful to not grab any of the snacks provided and instead settled for some apple juice. 

It's impressive what they did to the dining hall. All the tables were removed, a small stage was set up with a few yoga mats probably for the dancer's convenience. All the chairs were arranged in rows and there was a small crowd of people lurking around. Most she had never seen before and she assumed those were the family/friends of the 'performers'. Thankfully, Finn and the 'doctor' opted not to attend and Lexa let's herself relax as she giggled to herself at the memory of Clarke's flailing limbs. She sees Marcus talking to a middle-aged woman with dirty blonde hair. She resembles Clarke and she finds herself suddenly very nervous at the prospects of meeting Clarke's mother. She doesn't have much time to overthink about it because drums are being banged and a red haired girl is yelling at people to take their seats. 

The performance starts and Fox makes her way to the stage. She's opted for calming ballet music and she begins her dance by frantically jumping around the stage, which in Lexa's opinion completely contradicts the choice of music but anyway, she ends by calming displays and almost elegant movements. Everyone claps and Marcus looks extremely pleased with himself. 

Three more performers complete their dances before its finally Clarke's turn. Lexa finds herself holding her breath. When she sees Clarke through the 'spotlights' (which are really just big flashlights), her heart stops. Those big blue eyes are looking right at her as she lays down the ground. Lexa gives her a thumbs up as a sign of encouragement and Clarke grins at the gesture. 

The music rumbles and Clarke performs her routine. It's not funny this time, it's anything but. Lexa watches in amazement at Clarke's movements and suddenly it kinda makes sense. Clarke really  _is_ expressing herself through the art of dance. Woah. Who knew art could be expressive?

Clarke's dance ends and Lexa stands up and whistles (as best she could) as the small audience applauds the little 'dancer'. She's grinning from ear to ear and my God she looks beautiful. She stands with the other performers near the stage and waits for the final performer to finish. Clarke sees her mother sitting next to Kane and waves at her, but when the show is over, she only has eyes for Lexa. She makes her way to Lexa and embraces her in a firm hug. 

"Thank you for not laughing" 

"I think I learnt my lesson" Lexa says grinning, "Seriously though, you were amazing" 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. Really."

Their short conversation is interrupted by Abby and Marcus. 

Clarke embraces her mother as Marcus greets Lexa. 

"Mom, this is Lexa. Lexa, this is my mom" 

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Griffin." Lexa says and holds her hand out to Abby. 

"Please, just call me Abby. The pleasure is all mine, Lexa." Abby shakes Lexa's hand.

" Clarke, that was amazing! It was so expressive, I could see the anger disassembling from within your core, the peace is rising in your soul and your shifting is star-" Marcus shuts up once he realises that the three of them are looking at him with perplexed expressions. 

"What I mean to say, is that, you did an amazing job. Clarke, you've only been here for a couple of months but I can see that you've progressed tremendously. Clarke, you're ready." 

"Ready for what?" Clarke asks 

"Ready to go home." Marcus says with a big smile. 

Clarke matches his smile until it hits her like a ton of bricks and she looks to her left to see Lexa. Lexa's smiling at her and it's a smile that reaches her eyes. Sure, she's torn inside because her friend is leaving and she's going to be left behind but she only wants the best for Clarke, so she smiles because she's genuinely happy. She shushes the selfish side of her that's screaming to hold on to Clarke and never let go because she cares for Clarke so deeply, she'd rather sacrifice her own happiness for Clarke's well being.

"Clarke, I'm going to go sort the paperwork with Marcus, go pack up." Abby says, smiles quickly to Lexa as she begins her walk with Marcus, who is still smiling goofily at her. 

"That's it?" Clarke whispers. 

"That's it." Lexa answers. 

Clarke packs in silence and Lexa watches her. The conflicting emotions waging a war inside the both of them. 

They make their way out to the gate, the farthest that Lexa can go, when Clarke stops and takes a neatly folded piece of paper out of her pocket and gently places it in Lexa's hand. Lexa holds on to it for dear life because this goodbye hurts a lot more than it should. Clarke hugs her and kisses her cheek and Lexa fears she may never let go. She sees the tears well up in Clarke's eyes and whispers "keep fighting" in her ear before they both back away from each other. 

Abby's already in the car. The short walk from the gate to the car is exhausting. Emotionally exhausting. 

Lexa's green eyes are looking at Clarke with so much love, with so much care and she can't help not looking away. 

Clarke grabs the handle of the car door and Lexa finally tears her gaze away before she shatters into a million pieces. She begins to walk back when Clarke yells out "Hey Lexa!" 

Lexa turns so fast she might have accidentally given herself a neck injure. 

"Run away with me." Clarke says just loud enough for Lexa to hear. 

Lexa smiles through the tears. "Maybe in another life." She replies as she turns back and they make their separate ways. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are much appreciated. 
> 
> Pls. 
> 
> Also, I love food, this is why I involve food in literally every situation. Nutella is my bae.


	7. Go big or go home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello it's me again,
> 
> Huge thanks to all the kudos and the comments and to everyone reading and investing in this story. I truly appreciate it 
> 
> but people listen up  
> I am not Jason 2.0 as my friend puts it, I am a kind hearted(kinda.. most would disagree but y'all don't need to know that) and not (completely) evil person so hang in there

Lexa carefully hides the folded piece of paper in her pillow cover. 

She does not unfold it; the pain is too fresh and she cannot bear to think about Clarke more than is necessary. Deep down, she always knew this day would come and she really tried her best to shield her already broken heart from the impact but when Clarke looked at her with those bright blue eyes and piercing smile, the walls immediately crumbled.

What is the heart? A muscle. A four chambered muscle with valves and a very specific function of delivering oxygenated blood to tissue in the body. But why does Lexa's heart feel so heavy with emotion? Why does it feel like it's going to burst from her chest and crumble into dust before her eyes? Why is her emotional pain tangible?

She lays her head on the pillow and begs anyone out there- anything out there to stop this pain. She can't take it for much longer. 

Sleep comes; Not soon enough, and definitely not peaceful enough but it's here and she is grateful. 

//

"Wake up, dyke."

She barely has time to open her eyes before strong hands grab her arm and tug her up harshly. Her eyes are red and puffy and when she sees Finn standing in front of her she wishes for death all over again. 

Lexa's being forcefully hoisted and dragged through the corridor. She's thankful for not changing into sleepwear yesterday night because further humiliation is the last thing she needs. 

When they arrive at their destination, Lexa has finally shrugged all the sleep from her eyes and she is fully aware of her mistake. 

"You're late, Ms. Woods."

"I'm sorry." She mumbles as she's pushed into the room and Finn closes the door behind them. 

"It's one thing for the treatment not to be working. That's not your fault. If it doesn't work, we try again. It's another thing for you to be so disobedient and  _disrespectful."_ The 'doctor' spits the words out like they're venom in his mouth and Lexa flinches at the tone. 

"I'm sorry, I overslept. I didn't hear the bell." 

"Are you a child? Do you need mommy and daddy to come and wake you up for you to be on time for your sessions?"

"No, sir." Lexa says and glares at Finn who is looking a little too happy at this situation. Her stoic facade hides the overwhelming fear and she clenches her fist to hide her trembling hands. 

"You know, Ms. Woods, your parents have instilled all their trust in me to help you. They told me to use all the equipment I had and all the force that is required. I told them that wouldn't be necessary but they insisted." 

The doctor begins to unbuckle his belt and Lexa's shining green eyes quickly dart from Finn's stare to the doctor's hands.  _No. Please no._ She begins to step back towards the door but Finn stands firm against it. 

"I see now that they knew you were an insolent, rude child and even further methods have to be applied." 

Finn grabs her shoulders and she flinches under the touch. She wants to wither away and disappear into the darkness but Clarke's voice stands firm in her head ' _keep fighting'._ She quickly knocks her head back and upward aiming for Finn's nose and is rewarded with a yelp. 

"You fucking bitch!" 

"Mr. Finnly! Manners, please. Take her shirt off and hold her firmly." 

 _No. Oh God please no. This can't be happening._  

Her tiny frame is not a match for an angry Finn and he holds both her hands with one hand and all but rips her shirt off her delicate skin. Finn's nose is bleeding and she focuses on the thick red spurts of blood flowing down his face when he slaps her across the cheek. Hard. Lexa's momentarily stunned and Finn takes the opportunity to shove her against a bare wall. He holds both her hands in one of his and uses his other hand to firm press against the back of her neck, leaving her incapacitated.

_What the fuck are they doing? Please someone help me. Please just sto-_

The belt strikes against the bare skin of her back and a strangulated scream escapes her lips. She braces herself for the second but when it hits and she feels the warm trickles of fresh blood on her back she can't help the tears. She wants to be strong. She is strong. But apparently she isn't strong enough because the third, fourth and fifth hits leave her a whimpering mess. Her knees are weak and the only thing that keeps her planted upwards is Finn's firm grip.

By the 11th strike she isn't making noise anymore. She's barely conscious and the muffled voices in the background drift far far away as her vision blurs into darkness. The ringing in her ears finally stops and she's grateful. 

//

_The field is beautiful, just how she remembered it. The flowers were everywhere and the breeze was perfect. She's running now. She hasn't ran like this in years and it feels so damn good. She's flying through the field and the only thing that stops her is a familiar laugh. She turns around and when she sees her, her heart stops. Blonde hair flies through the wind and illuminated under the glowing sun. Lexa smile is genuine and it's true. She closes the distance between them not once taking her eyes off the deep dark blue. She reaches out and touches the creamy white skin of her cheek and it's so gentle, it's so caring, it's so loving. She doesn't want her to break. She doesn't want the moment to end. Clarke's smiling back at her and the smile doesn't fade as Lexa gently cups the back of her neck and leans in. Soft lips meet._

//

Clarke unlocks the door as her mother retrieves her bag from the trunk of the car.

It's quiet. Too quiet. 

She switches the light on and almost has a heart attack when a crowd of people jumps up from behind the couch. 

"Surprise!" They all yell at the same time 

"Kiddo! I missed you so much!" Jake says as he embraces Clarke in a tight hug. 

"Dad! I missed you too! Is this why you couldn't come to my dance?" She asks 

"Yep. Party planner of the year" He says and points to himself. 

"Clarkey!" 

Suddenly Clarke is being tackled by a giggling Octavia and an over enthused Raven. Clarke goes around her living room and greets the guests one by one. One of the guests is Anya, courtesy of Raven, and Clarke winces when she sees her simply because of the cruel reminder of Lexa's current situation but immediately wraps her hands around her and gives her the warmest greeting yet; Anya is the closest thing she has to Lexa right now and she misses her badly. 

Music's playing in the background, balloons cover the walls and floor but most importantly-yes most importantly- there's FOOD.  

Clarke can't decide what she wants, so she grabs a burrito in one hand a nugget in the other. 

"Can't decide, Griffin?" Raven asks as she stuffs her own face. 

"Nope. I love them both so much."

"Burritos and nuggets eh? You know what? Ima call you Burret." 

The party continues and Raven forces Anya to dance. By 'dance' it's basically Raven putting all her weight on Anya as Anya struggles to shift from foot to foot. It's actually a pretty funny sight. 

"So that's happening, eh?" Clarke says as she nudges her chin towards the 'dancing queens'

"Yep." Octavia replies before taking another gulp of her beer. 

"What's wrong, Clarkey?" 

"Nothing." 

"Lie to me again and I'll bitch slap you with the burrito." Octavia says and not surprisingly, she's being serious. 

"I miss her." 

"Lexa?"

"Yeah." 

"I'm sorry, Clarke. Call her tomorrow and then next week we can go visit her, okay?" 

"Okay. Anyway, enough about that. What's happening with you and Lincoln?" 

Octavia grins so big Clarke's afraid her face is going to burst. 

"He's really great actually. We kinda... went on a date the other day."

"What?!?!" Clarke asks the betrayal evident in her face "What the fuck? Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Wanted you to focus on your dance." Octavia shrugs 

"Okay. Tell me everything then."

//

When Lexa wakes up, she expects the gentle touches on her back to be Clarke's doing. It's clear she's disappointed when she sees Lincoln instead.

He's kneeling by her bedside and carefully rubbing betadine over the torn skin of her back. She hisses at the contact but she's grateful nonetheless. 

"Hi" she whispers in a raspy voice 

"Morning sleepyhead."

"What happened?" Lincoln asks, his tone embodying sympathy. 

Lexa shrugs and immediately regrets it when pain shoots down her spine. 

"Lexa, what happened?"

"Nothing you can help me with." 

A moment of silence passes and then, "Anya called."

"Okay."

"Do you want to call her back?"

"No."

"Why?" Lincoln inquires 

"Busy." 

Lexa senses Lincoln's hesitation and the unspoken words fall heavy between them.

"What?" She pushes 

"Clarke also called."

Lexa stiffens and can't decide whether to be happy or sad. She misses Clarke so much but if she keeps thinking about Clarke she can't survive this place. She hopes that since Clarke is out of sight she will also be out of mind soon enough. 

"Okay."

Silence. 

Lincoln finishes up with the betadine and stands to leave. 

"I'll come back to check on you later." 

Lexa nods. She wants to smile and show gratitude but really, there's nothing to smile about so a nod will just have to do. 

Lincoln's half way out the door before he turns back and says "Lexa, it's not my place but you need to talk to them okay? I see what you're doing: You're shutting yourself out. I'm so sorry this is happening to you but they're your family now and you need them just as much as they need you."

Of course, Lexa doesn't listen. Of course she doesn't. Because pain makes people do stupid things. She tries to decide which is worse: emotional or physical pain but always comes up short. She misses her friend and starts to think that maybe Clarke was more than a friend and then she scolds herself for thinking so impurely about someone so pure. But then again it's a compliment, right? Isn't it? The war of thoughts rages on and the train (wreck) of thoughts are the only thing keeping her sane in a very insane place. 

She never calls back and denies their invitation requests. 

//

**_Burret 9:34 am_ **

Hi Lincoln. It's Clarke. Octavia gave me your number I hope that's okay. 

 

_**Lincoln 9:48 am** _

Hey Clarke. Sorry for the delayed response, just got off my shift. It's more than okay. What's up?

 

_**Clarke 9:49 am** _

Anya and I are worried. How is Lexa doing? 

 

_**Lincoln 9:49 am** _

Don't mean to alarm you but she's not doing well

 

_**Clarke 9:49 am** _

 

How so?

 

_**Lincoln 9:50 am** _

Not eating, not speaking and barely sleeping 

 

_**Clarke 9:50 am** _

Oh. 

Can you convince her to see us?

 

_**Lincoln 9:50 am** _

I tried. She won't listen. Says you have to move on with your lives now.

 

_**Clarke 9:50 am** _

Okay, thanks Lincoln. 

 

Clarke turns to Anya who was reading the texts from behind her shoulder. 

 

"What do we do now?" Clarke asks and the worry is evident in her voice. 

"I think there's only one thing left to do." Anya replies calmly. 

"What's that, cheekbones?" Raven asks 

The four of them are gathered at Raven and Octavia's apartment. Breakfast has become somewhat of a routine and it's a comforting routine at that. 

"We have to break her out." Anya replies

"Surely there's another way" Octavia says 

"No. There's not. I've been trying for months now and there's no other way. We've done it before, we can do it again." 

"Anya, calm down." 

"No, Reyes, I'm not going to calm down. Are you going to help me or not?"

Silence. 

"Fine. I'll do it by myself." Anya says as she stands to leave. 

"Wait, Anya, we can't break her out of a mental asylum. I know she's struggling right now, I mean, of course she is but they're helping her through her issues." Raven says 

"What?!" Anya yells 

"Oh." Realisation draws on Anya's face. "She never told you." 

"Never told us what?" Octavia asks 

"Why she's in there." 

"I asked her several times but she never told me." Clarke says 

Silence. 

"Well? What is it then?" Raven asks 

"I don't know if it's my place to tell you."

"Is it murder? Manslaughter?" 

"No!" 

"Suicide? Self harm?" Octavia asks 

"No." Anya shakes her head. 

"Schizophrenia? OCD? Depression?" Clarke asks 

"For God's sake no!" Anya says, then considers her options. She doesn't want to invade Lexa's privacy like this but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

"She's in there" Anya breathes deeply "because she's gay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments much appreciated!  
> Also, let me know what you think about the length of the chapters? Too long? Too short? Just right?  
> Anything else you want integrated? Anything you don't want included? Lemme know I'm all up for criticism (just as long as it's not too harsh because I'm a sensitive being)  
> also also, it's nice to see that y'all love nutella as much as me. someone bring me nutella and ill free lexa


	8. Sweet Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> Sorry for the delay (in case anyone was waiting but I'm likely just flattering myself) but anyway here is the much awaited chapter. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for all the kudos and amazing super encouraging comments, y'all are the best!!!!! Seriously, I appreciate all the support SO much.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Anya?" Raven asks as she struggles to get up from her seated position.

Anya shrugs as if there is absolutely nothing else that needs to be said.

"Explain." Says Octavia almost harshly.

Clarke's silence does not go unnoticed.

Anya exhaled a deep breath "Her mother walked in on her several months back with another girl. They weren't serious or anything, just a couple of kids experimenting but her mother freaked out especially because it wasn't the first time. She caught Lexa with the neighbour's daughter when they were kids and she thought she'd just grow out of it. But I guess when she realised that she won't, she..." Anya trailed off gesturing mindlessly.

"She sent her to a mental hospital to  _cure_ her." Raven says with disgust. 

"Yeah. Her father is even worse. They're just very intolerant people still firm in their belief that a family consists of a man and wife whose sole purpose is reproduction. It's pathetic, really. Basically, a woman is her husband's property, nothing less and nothing more."

"That's fucking pathetic not to mention disgusting. They'd rather their daughter being owned by a man than treated with respect and love by a woman?" Raven asks 

Anya nods silently, solemnly, firmly. 

"Wait. That doesn't make any sense, shit like this isn't supposed to happen anymore. Even if her parents think this, how could the institution accept to treat something that isn't an illness?" Octavia asks and the bewilderment is clear in her voice. 

"Yeah. Lexa's parents are rich. Rich enough apparently to make the institute engage in the illegal act of conversion therapy despite the proof that it doesn't work and does way more harm than it ever did any good."

Clarke's mind is whirling and she's barely tuned to the conversation around her. She hears words here and there but her mind is focused back on that night with Finn. And suddenly, it all clicks. It all makes sense to her. Why Lexa was punished and not herself, why the punishment was so severe, the look of disappointment in that monsters eyes. It all made sense and it was all too much. It was sickening. Of course she'd made assumptions about Lexa's mental health. She'd wondered and after the attempted suicide incident, she'd suspected Lexa was in there because of severe depression but never once did it occur to her that  _this_ might be the reason. She was furious; not only with the Lexa's parents, doctor monster but also with Lexa for not telling her. Clarke felt betrayed. 

Clarke stood up calmly and walked out of the room. She heard her name being called by different voices but she didn't look around; she knew what she had to do and she knew she had to do it quickly. 

//

"Hey, kiddo!" Jake opened the door enthusiastically but his smile immediately vanished when he saw the glisten in Clarke's eyes and anger plastered across her face. 

"Hi dad" Clarke mumbled but hugged him back nonetheless. 

"What's wrong, kid?" 

"I need to speak to mom. Is she here?" 

"Yeah sure she's helping me cook lunch"

Clarke walks into the kitchen with determination and Jake trails behind concern etched in his bones. He can't help it. He's her father and if something is bothering her, then something is bothering him. 

"Hiya Cla-"

"Mom, I need to speak to you. It's serious" Clarke interrupts and quickly sits on the stool situated in front of the kitchen counter. 

Abby's facial expression falls almost as fast as Jake's. A trauma surgeons training to maintain a calm demeanour is not effective when it comes to family.

"What is it? Are you okay? Is it your heal-?

"No. Mom it's about Lexa."

"Who?"

Clarke sighs in pure irritation. "Mom. Focus, dammit! The girl from the dance thing. My friend, remember?" 

Abby takes a moment to process the information. Her memory is not what it used to be but finally her eyes widen in acknowledgment. 

"Oh! Yes. Yes. What about her?"

"Do you know why she's in Beverly?" 

"Clarke, I didn't even remember who she is..." 

"It's because she's gay!" Clarke almost yells out. 

Abby and Jake look puzzled more than anything else and Clarke sees that as her cue to explain. 

"Parents found out. Don't approve. Conversion therapy." 

"That's not right." Jake says with a frown.

"I didn't know that Beverly is that kind of a place" Abby says solemnly hoping that Marcus, her good friend, didn't know either. 

"It is. And you need to help her." 

"How can I help her, Clarke?" 

"Cut the shit mom. I know your influence got me out of there more than that stupid dance. Dad already planned the party before it even began."

Abby sighed clearly becoming irritated. 

"Marcus had told me that you were making progress, Clarke. I had almost nothing to do with it. I'm not going to stick my neck out on a line for a stranger."

"She's not a stranger, mom! She's my  _friend._ " 

"Is that all she is?" Abby asked bluntly. 

Clarke is taken aback and her wide eyes speak volumes but she recovers quickly and says "No. My friend. Can you help?" 

"Clarke, I'm sor-" 

Clarke doesn't let Abby finish her sentence. She knows its fruitless to argue now. Her mother is stubborn. Always has been and always will be. So Clarke gets up and leaves and she feels almost as disappointed in her mother as she does herself.

Abby looks over to find a very upset Jake glaring at her. 

"Not you too..." Abby sighs 

Jake continues to glare at his wife. 

"Jake, what do you expect me to do here?"

"What if that was Clarke? It's no secret that she likes girls too so what if that was her, Abby?"

"But it's not! It's someone you've never even met." 

"I've never known you to be one to sit by idly when others suffer even if you don't know them."

Judging by her husband's intent and unwavering glare, Abby knows that a long argument is about to ensue, so she does what any logical person would do: she locks herself in the bathroom and pretends not to hear Jake's long speech through the bathroom door. 

//

When Clarke opened the door, the last thing she expected to find was Anya, Octavia and Raven (who was wearing a ski mask) all huddled up over what looked like blueprints? 

"What the fuck.." 

"Griffin, come." Raven barks at her and it's all muffled thanks to the ski mask. 

"Raven what the fuck is on your head?" 

Raven quickly shoves the thing off her face and beads of sweat linger on her forehead. 

"I was practicing my criminal life" Raven shrugs

"Are you in or not?" Anya cuts straight to the point. 

"I'm in." Clarke says with a firm nod. 

She joins them around the table and eyes the blueprints cautiously. 

"What the hell are you doing? Why can't we just do what we did last time?" Clarke questions and she is in no mood to be fucked with right now.

"Because Octavia's boyfriend is refusing to help us" Raven says 

Clarke glares at Octavia. 

Octavia puts her hands up in surrender "He says he's more than willing to help if it was for a night but permanent escape is serious and we should think this through more" 

"Urgh. So what's the plan then?" Clarke directs the question at Anya

"We're trying to figure out a way to get" Anya points her finger firmly at the blueprint in front of her "here. Because here is where the keys are."

"But that's literally in the middle of the nurse's rec room? How the hell are we going to get there unseen?" 

"Raven's going to create a distraction." 

Clarke raises an eyebrow to scrutinize Raven. 

"I'm going to make things go boom." Raven says with a smirk as her hands gesture an explosion. 

//

"What time is it?" Clarke asks 

"0:300 hours" Raven says through a muffled ski mask

It was dark. They were huddled inside Charlotte preparing for the breakout. Raven looked ridiculous, Anya looked stoic and Octavia looked terrified sat next to Clarke in the back seat. What a great night. 

"Take that shit off, you look ridiculous." 

"You're just jingles."

"What?"

Raven lowers her mask under her mouth and repeats "I said: You're just jealouuuuussss." 

Clarke rolls her eyes so far back she's sure she can see her own brain. 

Just as Raven's about to park, Clarke's phone rings and scares the shit out of all of them with Raven jumping so far up her seat, her head hits the roof of the car and she's swearing profanities like never before, which is saying something considering Raven's filthy mouth. 

Clarke looks at her phone and is surprised to see the contact calling her. She considers ignoring it but given the time, it might be an emergency. 

"Hello traitor."

"Clarke." Abby says in a warning tone. "Be nice. Your father and I had a talk, well more like he talked- anyway. He made me see that you're right."

"So you'll help?"

"Yes." 

"Thanks mom" Clarke releases a long long breath

"So don't go doing anything stupid."

"I wasn't doing anything stupid" Clarke defends weakly

"Clarke." Abby says sternly "You're always doing something stupid." And with that, Abby hangs up and leaves a grinning Clarke being stared at by the three women around her. 

"Well?" Anya interrogates as she eyes Clarke with pure annoyance. 

"I have good news and bad news." Clarke says not trying to hide the prideful grin overtaking her face.

"What is it then?" Octavia says slapping Clarke's arm eagerly. 

"Good news: My mom's going to help get Lexa out." 

There's a general cheer in the car and even Anya can't maintain her stoic facade as a smile filled with relief crosses her face.

"Thank God because that plan was fucking crap." Anya says regaining her stoic composure. 

"Wait, what's the bad news?"

"I'm glad you asked, O. Unfortunately, Raven, you're not gonna make anything go boom."

"Aww man!" Raven says as she slams her palm down on the steering wheel causing an accidental yet loud honk to escape Charlotte. 

"Shit! Shit! Get us out of here, Reyes, before I make YOU go boom!" Octavia says with eyes wide in panic. 

//

The following day was long and strenuous. No one slept much; Especially Clarke who had found herself revisiting nightmares and experiencing cold sweats for the first time in quite a while. She was awoken by a limping and terrified Raven who huddled up next to her and they both laid in the bed and spoke of constellations and prophecies until the sun made its appearance. 

Abby had an even less pleasant morning with long phone calls and by the time she was done screaming through the apparatus, her throat was raw and her palms were sweaty. It was the first time she'd had to execute her powerful relations and rectify her reputation to help someone other than her own family. It was only possible because of the connections she's built over years of experience. But in the end, it was done. Her only relief being that even those inside the facility were unbeknownst to the horrors occurring within its four walls.

And so, with Dr. Marcus Kane overtaking Ms. Lexa Wood's case and Anya becoming her temporary emergency contact, the new plan was quickly set in place. It was a legit plan and it was legal but it had to be done quickly because if Mr and Mrs. Woods were notified prior to Lexa's release, things could turn downhill quickly.

Marcus made quick work of Lexa's release papers and Anya made quick work of arriving to the institution. She hadn't even had the time to brush her teeth when Abby gave her the call but she was not complaining. 

Lincoln was called and he rushed to wake a supposedly sleeping Lexa but when he unlocked her room door, he found her curled up underneath her bed with her knees tucked between her arms, eyes wide open and staring at him with a twinkling curiosity. 

When he hadn't initially seen her, he'd thought for a moment that they'd managed to pull off their ridiculous escape plan but her breathing gave away her position. He tugged on her arm as gently as he could but firmly enough to know he was extremely serious about the haste of the situation. 

"Lexa, you gotta go. You gotta go now."

"Where?" Lexa whimpered more than spoke. It was amazing how many times Lexa has been dragged to places without knowing her final destination and she was sick of it. She was sick and tired of being pushed and shoved around like a child, and frankly, she was safe in her little 'hiding' spot. 

"Come on, Lexa, we gotta go now!" Lincoln said with urgency. It wasn't like they were THAT rushed for time but the sooner Lexa stepped out of that place, the sooner they could all breathe easy. 

"No." Lexa spoke and for the first time her eyes were harsher than her tone. 

Realising this would not be an easy process, Lincoln slumped down next to Lexa and faced her. 

"Hi." He spoke softly and all the urgency left his voice.

"Hi." 

"How are you?" He asks and it's genuine. It's genuine because he means it and it's not like a fleeting question someone asks as they pass you in the corridor, it's a question asked in a tone that deserves an honest answer. 

"I've been better" She says with a smile. 

"You're being released today." His smile is small but his eyes are shining with adoration. 

"I am?" She asks tiredly and the solemn expression on her face does not leave because hope is dangerous to have in a place like this. 

"You are. Dr. Kane signed your papers. You're free to go. But let's go quick before we make a scene, okay?" 

"Okay." Lexa replies still unmoving. 

Lincoln takes it upon himself to carefully aid her and maneuvers her small, delicate yet inexplicably strong body from underneath the bed and on her feet. He holds her hand but he does not tug, he leads her out the door. Lexa gets the message and begins her walk before she realizes what she's forgotten. She releases his firm grasp and lunges to her bed tugging at her pillow. 

"Lexa... Nap later?" 

She puts her hand inside her pillow cover and takes out the folded but unforgotten piece of paper and places it safely in her back pocket. She looks at him and nods firmly. 

They walk out hand in hand. 

They keep walking until they reach their target. 

"Hi Dr. Hippi- Marcus" Lexa corrects herself quickly. 

Marcus smiles brightly at her and he knows without a doubt that he is doing the right thing despite the consequences that threaten his profession. "Hi Lexa." He hands her a brown envelope filled with what she assumes are her documents and release forms before ushering her out of the building. 

She's looking out in amazement. Was it really that easy? What the hell happened? Did she do a dance she wasn't aware of? How long was she under the bed for? Isn't anyone going to stop her? Lexa glances behind her with caution as if expecting an arm to reach out, grab her and firmly hold her in place. She's half expecting Finn to pop out from the bushes and laugh evilly at her for falling for such a prank before dragging her back to solitary. She's fully expecting doctor monster to appear in front of her with hand in belt and strike her yet again for her 'insolence and disobedience'. But she's near Lincoln and with every step she takes her heart grows. 

The guard at the gate halts her firmly in her steps and looks at her expectantly. She looks at Lincoln questioningly and after an uncomfortable, heart aching pause, he takes it upon himself to reach for the envelope, search through the papers and take out a form. He hands it over to the guard who scans it quietly before leaving and returning with a form of his own. He asks her for her signature and she complies without resistance. They move again and once her foot oversteps the border of the gate, her breath hitches and she releases a long sigh of relief. She closes her eyes and tilts her head up towards the sky, thinking: 'is it really over?'

The air tastes differently, which is ridiculous, she knows but it does. It really does. It tastes lighter and fresher and when she opens her eyes again she sees her cousin still dressed in her sleepwear, hair a mess all over her shoulders and grin stretching from ear to ear running towards her. Anya embraces her in a hug and Lexa cringes at her cousin's bad breath but she doesn't complain. For a second, she even appreciates it but then she realises that it smells like Anya ate a shit for breakfast and cringes again. 

They pull apart. 

"Hi." Anya breathes. 

"Hi." Lexa says and her heart finally feels like it could heal again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think! 
> 
> Again, apologies for not updating as often as I would like to but life is just kicking my ass right now. 
> 
> Also, where's my promised nutella people?


	9. Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn is the best burn.

The drive back was uneventful with Anya sneaking smiles at Lexa and Lexa staring out the window still waiting for someone to pinch her and wake her from this dream. How ironic it was to be expecting to wake up to a nightmare instead of from one.

Anya's one bedroom apartment was small but to Lexa, it felt like a palace. After toothpaste, coffee and showers, Lexa started to wake up from her daze.

"How'd you do it?" Lexa asked

"I didn't." Anya shrugged.

"So they just decided I'm cured now?"

"No."

"Then how?"

"Abby helped."

The same sounded familiar to Lexa, it certainly rang a bell but her dazed mind didn't register.

"Abby?"

"Yeah. Abby... Griffin." Anya said hesitantly.

Lexa's eyes widened.

"Clarke's mother?!" She all but yelled.

"Yeah." Anya said like it wasn't a big deal.

"What?! You got Clarke involved?!"

"No... She just involved herself."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means I told her about your situation and she wanted to help, so she did."

Lexa stood up now and the anger was clear in her darkened green eyes.

"You. Told. Clarke. About. My.  _Situation_." Lexa seethed

"Lexa, it's not a big de-" Anya says calmly trying to diffuse the situation. 

"You don't fucking get to say what is or isn't a big deal. That is my business. It's MY thing to tell. I didn't fucking want her help. I wanted YOUR help, not hers, how could you do this to me, Anya?" 

"Lexa, calm down. You asked me for my help and this was the only way I could to help you. I don't understand why you're making such a fuss about this."

Lexa started pacing back and forth with a multitude of emotions clouding her judgement. She didn't want to involve Clarke and she especially didn't want to involve Clarke's family, what if her parents retaliated? She didn't want to be indebted to Clarke either; Clarke has already done enough for her. And lastly, she didn't want Clarke to know. She just didn't. Besides, even if she did want her to know, she wanted to do it on her own terms.

Lexa slumped down on the couch again. Anya sat right beside her and placed her hand gently on Lexa's knee. 

"I'm sorry." Anya said and Lexa knew that this apology wasn't just related to this topic. This apology was deep and heartfelt and it was an apology that should have come from Lexa's parents or society or cruel fucked up people who didn't understand that different doesn't necessarily mean bad. Because sometimes, sometimes different is so damn good. 

"I know." Lexa sighed. 

"She's been texting me all morning" Anya said yet again another attempt to diffuse the tension

"Who?"

"Mrs. Claus." Anya slapped Lexa's shoulder playfully "Clarke. That's who."

"Oh."

"She says she misses you." Anya waited for a reply but when none came, she continued, "She wants to come see you."

"No" Lexa replied a little too quickly. 

"Why not?" 

"Just coz" Lexa shrugged "Don't want to now."

They left the conversation at that and Lexa went to take a long nap in Anya's bed. 

 

// 

 

_**Cheekbones 10:34 am** _

Hey Blondie. All is well. She's napping now. 

_**Nutella queen 10:34 am** _

When can I see her?

_**Cheekbones 10:36 am** _

Soon. Let her rest a little. 

_**Nutella queen 10:36 am** _

She doesn't want to see me does she?

_**Cheekbones 10:40 am** _

She does. Just not yet 

 

Clarke dramatically threw her phone at the pillow next to Raven. 

"Oh my God, Griffin! I could have DIED." 

"Did you?"

"No. But I could have DIED." 

Octavia burst through the door. Ah the perks of sharing an apartment with your two best friends.

"What's going on?" Octavia asked as she plopped herself down on Clarke's bed. 

"Griffin tried to kill me."

"Damn it, Clarke." Octavia glared at Clarke "Try harder next time." 

"Hey!" Raven propped herself up and started tickling a now squealing Octavia. After they've settled down from their shenanigans, they noticed Clarke's solemn expression. 

"Wassup, Clarkey?" 

"Why you pouting there?" Raven extended her hand to Clarke's face as she made noises like one would make had they been talking to a baby or a puppy. Clarke didn't hesitate to slap it away. 

"Ow!" 

"Good. You deserved it." Clarke sighed, "She doesn't wanna see me. I've been up all night thinking about her and she doesn't even wanna see me."

"She's been through a lot, ya know, just give her some time. She'll come around."

"Yeah, I suppose so. I know I've only known her for a short amount of time but, I miss her you know?" 

"When you have us?!" Raven dramatically feigned offence. 

 

//

 

"Wake up, kiddo. You've been asleep for 5 hours." Anya said as she slapped Lexa's face. 

Lexa didn't even bother opening her eyes just grumbled something about rainbows and hot models. 

"You're so fucking gay" Anya mumbled under her breath as she grabbed a bottle of water and slowly began to pour it onto Lexa's head. 

As soon as the first drop of water hit Lexa's cheek, she was up like a firecracker. 

"You bitch" 

Lexa retaliated. Anya laughed no more. 

After drying up and having dinner, Anya got down to business, not to defeat the Huns, but to get Lexa new clothes, phone, everything really. Of course, being the obnoxiously proud soul that she is, Lexa tried to refuse, tried to say that she'll get a job and all these things on her own in due time but if there's anyone more stubborn and relentless than Lexa, it's Anya. 

With Lexa being a picky little shit and Anya constantly grumbling about her being a picky little shit, shopping took fiveever. But it was done and Lexa carried home a new wardrobe and as much as she was trying to deny it, she was terribly excited. 

Anya was exhausted but having excessively napped, Lexa was restless. So when Anya dragged Lexa to bed at half past midnight 'to sort out her sleeping schedule', it was no surprise that Lexa kept twisting and turning. 

"If you don't stop wriggling like a worm, I'm going to smother you with your own damned pillow." 

"But Anya I'm not sleepy." Lexa whined like a small child 

"Fucking count sheep or something"

30 minutes later and still no luck. 

"Wake up, I'm bored." Lexa says as she poked Anya's forehead. 

"Shove that finger up your ass and go to sleep for the love of God" 

"Tell me a story" 

"There was once this annoying little shit who wouldn't let me sleep so I threw her out on the streets to freeze her ass off"

"That's not funny." 

"I'm not laughing." Anya mumbled into her pillow

"You love me right?"

"I hate you right now." Anya sighed, "I love you so much, kiddo, with all my heart now shut the fuck up and let me sleeeep" 

"I love you too." Lexa said with a smile lost to the darkness of the room. 

Silence ensued and just as Anya was about to finally drift off into a peaceful slumber...

"Do pigeons have feelings?"

"I'm going to fucking murder you." Anya said before hitting Lexa excessively with the pillow. 

 

//

 

"It's been two days. TWO days and she still doesn't want to see me. I don't understand." Clarks says pacing around the room, "I thought that she'd be excited about seeing me. I thought that hey maybe just maybe she misses me too but noooo, she doesn't even want to SEE me. Did I do something to her? Did I offend her in any way? Did I..."

"Should we do something?" Octavia whispers to Raven who is sitting next to her on the couch as Clarke continues to ramble on. 

"No, just let her wear herself out" Raven mumbles back around a mouthful of Doritos. 

"Did you say something?" Clarke says eyeing them both carefully

Raven and Octavia shake their heads simultaneously, trying to look as harmless as possible. 

"Okay, anyway, as I was saying..."

"How long do you think this is going to go on for" Raven mumbles again 

"A while."

"But I really need to pee" 

Clarke grabs the bag of Doritos and slumps down next to Raven. 

"Hey! Clarke, that's NATCHO cheese." Raven says with a shit eating grin

Clarke glares at her in response. 

"Get it? Nacho? Not your? Not your cheese? Get-" Octavia quickly shoves her hand on Raven's mouth effectively silencing her. 

"You." Clarke glares at Raven

Raven gulps hard "Me?" She squeaks 

"Yes. You. Get your girlfriend to get her to talk to me."

"What?" Raven asks genuinely confused "Get her to get her to get who- what?" 

"Urgh. For a genius, you ain't so smart" 

"Get Anya" Clarke pauses and nods at Raven to make sure she's following "to get Lexa" another pause "to talk" pause "to" pause "meeeee" Clarke finishes. 

"Oh. Yeah. Not gonna happen" 

"Why?!" 

"Because she's not my girlfriend and because you just gotta give her time, okay?" 

Clarke grunts in response. Reyes is right. It's a dark dark world when Reyes is right. 

"Why isn't she your girlfriend again?" Octavia butts in 

"Because I haven't asked her yet" 

"And why's that?" 

"Why are you interrogating me right now? Lets' interrogate Clarke about her obvious crush for Lexa"

"Hey! I do not have a crush on Lexa"

"Honey, you really do." Octavia says "But back to Raven, why didn't the Latino goddess ask her girl out yet?" 

"Because of many reasons" Raven mumbled

"Such as?" 

 

Clarke's phone vibrates in her back pocket and startles her. 

 

_**Unknown number 4:38 pm** _

Hi 

 

_**Nutella Queen 4:39 pm** _

Who dis?

 

_**Unknown number 4:39 pm** _

Sexy single in your area?

 

Raven and Octavia are very much still in a heated debate when Clarke interrupts "Hey guys, whose number is this?" 

They both check their phones and shrug. Clarke stares at her phone and wonders exactly how she's supposed to reply to that. Or if she should reply at all, perhaps it's a pervert and she should just block the number but before she could do that, her phone vibrates again in her hand. 

 

_**Unknown number 4:44 pm** _

Sorry, that was lame. 

I just wanted to say

Thank you 

 

_**Nutella Queen 4:44 pm** _

For....?

 

_**Unknown number 4:45 pm** _

 

Oh. Still don't know who this is huh?

 

_**Nutella Queen 4:45 pm** _

no?

Am I supposed to?

I don't know many sexy singles in my area 

 

_**Unknown number 4:46 pm** _

How many do you know with an extremely lame sense of humour? 

 

_**Nutella Queen 4:46 pm** _

you'd be surprised actually 

Wait 

... Lexa?

 

**_Unknown number 4:46 pm_ **

Yup. Dis me. 

 

_**Nutella Queen 4:50 pm** _

Oh

 

_ **Lexa 4:51 pm** _

Good oh? Or bad oh?

 

_**Nutella Queen 4:51 pm** _

Surprised Oh. 

Didn't expect to hear from you again.

 

_**Lexa 4:51 pm** _

Sorry about that... 

****

"So? Who is it then?" Octavia asked 

"Lexa, actually"

"Oh."

"That's what I said."

"Now what?" 

"I dunno. Should I be mad at her? I feel like I should be but I'm not" Clarke said 

"Nah. You just got her back, don't mess it up. Invite her over, it'll be good to see her again"

"Tell her to bring her cousin!" Raven pipped up a little too enthusiastically 

"Calm your tits" Octavia laughed 

And so, Clarke did. 

 

//

 

"But Anya, I don't wanna go" 

"Tough luck, dipshit, I want to."

"But why?" 

"Because they're our friends and I miss them."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with a little sexy brunette, would it?"

"So what if it did? Now get up and get dressed." Anya said as she threw some articles of clothing at Lexa managing to hit her right in the face. 

"What's going on with you and Reyes anyway?"

"Get dressed." 

"So like..." Lexa hesitated. 

"What?" Anya said raising her eyebrows at Lexa. 

"Are you like... urm... ya know..." Anya knew exactly what Lexa was asking but she'd always found some enjoyment in letting her fumble around for words. 

After a couple of minutes of mumbling and stuttering, Anya finally took pity on Lexa. 

"I'm pansexual. I don't care about what's in the pants." 

"Oh" Lexa said with a smile

"Plus... it helps if they're a little sexy brunette" Anya continued echoing Lexa's earlier remarks. 

 

//

 

It didn't take long for the pair to arrive at their destination. Lexa was wearing a tank top, red and black plaid shirt, black jeans and her trusty converse.

Lexa was busy shuffling her feet whilst Anya knocked at the door. The door swung open to reveal an overly happy Raven wearing a flower crown. 

 

"Cheekbones!" Raven all but screamed as she held Anya in an unexpected embrace

"Cheekbones' cousin!" It was Lexa's turn to receive a hug. 

"Why are you always wearing weird shit on your head?" Anya asked as she stepped through the door with Lexa shuffling awkwardly behind her. 

"Lexaaaaa!" Octavia screamed and ran towards a clearly terrified Lexa. When Octavia finally peeled herself off of her to give Anya her very own welcoming hug, Lexa spotted Clarke and when she did, her heart sped up tenfold. 

Clarke closed the distance between them slowly but not slow enough for Lexa's heart to slow down. The hug was soft but firm and it just felt so right. After a while, Clarke pulled away but not before placing a kiss on Lexa's cheek. Yup. Definitely not helping the heart rate. Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and led her to the living room where the other three where already sitting. She plopped down on the couch and Lexa sat down right beside her, all too aware of their touching knees and their still intertwined hands. 

"Tonight, we celebrate!" Raven said jiggling a bottle of tequila 

"Celebrate what?" Lexa asked like an innocent puppy 

"Duh, freedom, bitches!" Raven said before pouring each of them a shot.

And as the alcohol flowed, the nerves dissipated and everyone was having a genuinely nice time. They proceeded to tell Lexa about the escape plan and Lexa's laugh resonated through the room. She laughed so hard it was incredible she didn't manage to choke on a tequila shot. It wasn't long before Raven switched on some music and pulled Anya up to dance. Anya wasn't even phased and gladly allowed Raven to lean in on her as they 'danced'. 

Lexa started to feel the heating effects of the alcohol and took off her plaid shirt leaving her in a tank top. Clarke's jaw dropped when she saw her muscular arms and collarbones. 

"Try and control your gay" Octavia whispered in Clarke's ear. Clarke quickly closed her mouth and narrowed her eyes at Octavia who got up to use the bathroom. 

Despite the light atmosphere, Clarke still had some serious questions for Lexa so she grabbed her hand and led her to her bedroom. Lexa harboured a confused look but didn't say anything, just allowed Clarke to tipsily lead her. When they reached the bedroom, Clarke closed the door thereby effectively eliminating most of the music and sat them both down at the edge of the bed. 

"So..." Clarke began 

"So...?" The tension of unspoken words was definitely tangible. 

"I missed you."

"I missed you too" Lexa replied silently, her gaze firmly fixed on the floor. 

"Why have you been avoiding me?" Clarke asked and she didn't care if she was pushing it, she had to know. 

"I dunno" Lexa mumbled 

Clarke gently tilted Lexa's jaw so she was facing her. 

"Lexa." She said warningly 

"Clarke" Lexa said mockingly 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Coz" Lexa shrugged and diverted her gaze back to the floor. 

"Coz what?" Clarke sighed, clearly getting frustrated now, "Lexa, just talk to me, please"

"What do you want me to say, Clarke?" Lexa finally finding the courage to look Clarke in the eyes "I'm sorry, okay?"

"I'm not looking for an apology! Just an explanation. I asked you so many times, why couldn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want you to stop holding my hand! Because I didn't want you to push aw-" 

Anya burst through the door without even so much as a knock and had a rather serious expression on her face. 

"Sorry to interrupt whatever this is" Anya said gesturing between the duo, "but you have a phone call"

"Me?" 

"No, my left ass cheek." Anya says with a completely serious expression "yes, you!" she finishes and gives the phone to Lexa.

"Hello?" Lexa asks more than states 

"Hi. Miss Alexandria Woods? This is attorney Green speaking." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the comments and kudos! 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think pls and thank you (see? I can be polite)


	10. The calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry for all the cliffhangers.

The sound of the rain against the window sill drowned out the silence of the room. Thunder ripped through the sky with bursting flashes of light that illuminated the dark room. Lexa always had a thing for storms. Sometimes she would huddle up inside of a warm blanket and let the rain lull her to sleep. Other times, when she felt particularly brave, she would walk out into the storm and feel the harsh cold drops fall against her skin. Either way, the rain brought with it a certain sense of calm.

Tonight was different though; tonight was special. She pressed the phone tightly against her ear and attempted to drown out the feeling of being watched; all eyes were on her. She paced around the room calmly and quietly, mustering a few replies when necessary and when the phone call had reached its end, she finally turned her attention to her little, somewhat intoxicated, audience. 

"Well?" Anya was the first to speak. Her eyes lingering on Lexa's face in a futile attempt to read her expressions. Anya and Clarke were sitting on the edge of the bed with Octavia and Raven sitting on the floor next to their feet. It was an odd sight, to say the least. Even with Raven's flower crown still placed firmly on her head and all of their tipsy gazes, the atmosphere in the room was tense. 

Lexa's emotions were battling inside of her for dominance. She gazed upon the faces of her new friends and her strongest ally and she realised that she has all the support she needs sitting right in front of her. It was a strange realisation because she'd never expected to find such comfort and familiarity with unfamiliar souls. Time is not a strong factor in relationships, she decided. You can spend a lifetime with certain people and still manage to drift apart and you can have known someone for a day and still find your souls colliding in an indescribable yet irrefutable way that emphasises your true connection. Her thoughts rambled on further exploring her sudden overwhelming happiness but then deviating to the anxiety and repressed emotions she had not truly allowed herself to feel yet until... 

"Ow!" Lexa said rubbing her head, "Did you just throw your sock at me?"

"Just be grateful I didn't throw my shoe" Raven said nodding determinedly. She held her hand up expecting a high five from Anya but when she merely received a glare, she sheepishly put it away. 

"For fuck's sake, Lexa. Stop with the suspense, what was all that about?" Anya said with clear agitation. 

"Well, I can't tell you now, can I? I've been injured." Lexa said pointing dramatically to her head. 

"It was a fucking sock! I'm surprised you actually felt it. Now tell me what that was about or I'll injure you for real."

"Do you want some priva-" Octavia started but Raven's hand on her mouth and death stare quickly shushed her. 

"Okay. So that was some lawyer. I don't really know how to explain this" Lexa began , "His name is Monty Green and he's an LGBT activist. He heard about my case from the lawyer Anya hired to get me out of there but obviously couldn't get involved for some other reasons I don't understand." Lexa paused distracted by staring blue eyes. She lost herself in the ocean blue before she got hit with another sock. 

"I don't have anymore socks here, Woods, you better get on with it." Raven warned pointing her finger at Lexa and with a shoe held firmly in the other hand.

"Oh yeah k... So anyway, he's been trying to build a case against the institution for a while but without any witnesses or victims to testify, it's been a dead end. He says there's another witness or even two who would be willing to testify but only if I go first." 

"Why would it matter to them if you went first or not?" Clarke asked

Lexa shrugged "I guess they're scared and they don't wanna be alone in this."

"Aren't you?" 

"What?" 

"Aren't you scared?" Clarke elaborated with wide blue eyes still staring intently at Lexa. 

"Oh. Well. I don't know. Right now it all feels a little too surreal. I feel kind of numb to be honest"

"Yeah but you have to do it though" Raven said, "You can't let them get away with this." 

"Raven" Anya said with a voice so stern even an intoxicated Raven got the message. 

"No, Raven's right. I can't let them get away with this. I just, I don't know if I'm ready yet to reopen wounds that haven't even yet closed." Lexa said with a shrug.

"We don't have to think about this tonight. Let's get some rest and we'll talk in the morning." Anya said as she stood off the bed.

"Where do you think you're going?" Octavia said 

"Home?" Anya asked 

"Yeah. No. You're staying over. I can sleep in Raven or Clarke's room and you two can take my bed." 

"No that's o-"

"I insist" Raven said with a smirk as she was being helped to her feet by a struggling Clarke. 

Anya glanced at Lexa in an attempt to telepathically ask her if she's okay with this arrangement and Lexa nodded. 

"Okay" 

"Come on, I'll get you some clothes" Octavia says 

"Wait!" Clarke says, "Actually, I was wondering if urm... if it'd be okay urm" Clarke stumbled 

"Spit it out, Griffin." Raven said tapping her nonexistent watch. 

"I was wondering if it'd be okay if Lexa and I shared a room instead?" She asked glancing in the general direction of nothing in an attempt to avoid eye contact with anyone. 

Anya opened her mouth to protest but before the words could reach her lips, Lexa spoke up "Yeah. That'd be okay" 

Raven smirked at Anya "I guess that means you and me too cheekbones". Anya rolled her eyes but couldn't hide the small smile on her lips as Raven grabbed her arm and led her away. 

//

Clarke lent Lexa an oversized t-shirt and shorts and Raven did the same with Anya. 

It was too late in the night for modesty and pretence shyness so Lexa turned her back to Clarke and removed her tank top. Before Clarke could turn around and do the same, she glanced at Lexa's back and noticed the fresh scars scattered across her torso. The pang in her chest was almost tangible and the questions were on her lips but she willed herself away. She turned away and tried her best to calm the anger bubbling inside of her and the overwhelming sensation to act first think later. 

Now in her comfortable sleepwear, Clarke snuck under the duvet without even bothering to wash away the make-up on her face. She looked up to find Lexa looking at her expectantly before patting the space beside her. Lexa didn't need to be told twice and joined Clarke under the covers, wrapping herself up like a little burrito. 

The smile on Clarke's face didn't hide the strangled pain in her eyes and it didn't take long for Lexa to notice, not that she was staring or anything. 

"You okay?" Lexa asked quietly. 

"Yeah." Clarke whispered back and turned to face Lexa before hugging her tightly. They hadn't done this for a while and it should be uncomfortable but it really wasn't so Lexa enjoyed the proximity and buried her face into Clarke's shoulder. They stayed like that for a while until they heard the muffled voice of Octavia. 

"I'M ALL ALOOONNNEEEE, THERE'S NO ONE HERE BESIIIDEEE MEEEE" Octavia sang out in her best Donkey from Shrek impression. 

They burst out laughing as Raven yelled back "GO TO SLEEEP. I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS." 

"Your friends are cool" Lexa said still in Clarke's embrace. 

"Your Anya is cool" Clarke replied, "So..."

"So...?" Lexa said distancing herself a little to look at Clarke properly. 

"So we never got to finish our conversation. What made you think I wouldn't wanna hold your hand anymore?"

Lexa sighed and looked away. "Can we talk about something else?"

"We don't have to talk at all." Clarke said and hugged Lexa tighter than before, resting her own head into Lexa's neck. 

Just as Clarke was beginning to fall asleep, Lexa spoke "You never told me what that nightmare was about." She seemed to have impeccable timing in not allowing people to fall asleep. 

"Maybe later." Clarke whispered, not finding the energy to open her eyes. 

"Are you going to have another nightmare tonight? If yes, you need to give me an extra pair of shorts" 

Clarke laughed quietly before swatting Lexa's shoulder. No more words were spoken and they fell asleep in each other's arms for the first night in too long. 

//

"Aww... look at them." Raven said with a proud smile. 

Lexa was sleeping on her back and Clarke had her arm and leg draped over her. Lexa had her mouth slightly parted with brown curls splayed in all directions over her pillow and Clarke's head rested comfortably on Lexa's chest. Blonde hair was everywhere; on the pillow, on the covers, on Lexa's face. 

Anya had to admit: they did look pretty cute. Raven took her phone out and shamelessly took pictures cursing loudly at forgetting the flash on. It was the mixture of the obscene profanities and irritating bursts of light that woke Lexa up. She slowly opened an eye to see Raven, Octavia and Anya looming over them with goofy expressions. Her confusion didn't last long because it was hard to miss the weight of another body on hers. 

"Ewww gross, Clarke, you're drooling!" Lexa realised and nudged Clarke awake gently.

Clarke sat up with a start declaring "Mosquitos!" before opening her eyes and wiping her mouth. 

"Wow, sleeping beauty ain't got nothing on you" Raven managed between laughs. 

Clarke glared at the three of them, giving them their cues to leave the room. 

"Slept well?" Lexa asked 

"Yeah, thanks, you?" 

"Yup. Thank you for not screaming bloody murder in my ear this time" Lexa said playfully 

"Don't get used to it" Clarke said with a wink. 

//

After getting dressed, Clarke and Lexa rejoined the rest of the party in the living room only to find a sniggering mess. 

"What's going on?" Clarke asks suspiciously 

"Nothing" Raven replies shooting Clarke her most innocent smile. 

"Raven" Clarke says warningly as Lexa snatches the phone out of Raven's hands. 

"What the fuck? Are you like a ninja or something?" Raven asks in disbelief 

"Really?!" Lexa asks when she sees they've uploaded the picture onto several social media sites. 

"What? What they do now?" Clarke asks straining to peek at the phone. 

When she sees her drooling self, Clarke grabs a cushion and hits Raven smack in the face. 

"Children, calm yourselves" Anya intervenes, "Sit. Eat." Anya says as she points to the toast on the middle of the table. 

Lexa takes a bite and says, "Wow. Compliments to the chef." 

"Thank you thank you" Octavia says feigning a bow. 

"What do you guys wanna do now?" Raven asks 

"I think we should get going" Anya replies gesturing between Lexa and herself. 

"Aww. No. Don't go, I'll fix you a proper breakfast?" Raven says with big puppy eyes 

"Getting clingy are we?" Anya says with a smile as she stands up to leave gesturing for Lexa to follow suit. 

"We'll meet up soon, don't worry." Anya says with a smile. 

Everyone says their goodbyes and Anya has to pry Lexa away from Clarke when their hug takes a little too long. 

//

"Clarke! Clarke, are you paying attention to me?" Raven asks as she snaps her fingers in front of Clarke's face. 

Clarke's quick to slap her hand away, "I'm sorry, what?"

"No one ever pays attention to me" Raven mumbles before dramatically laying back on the couch, "I was just saying what a great kisser Anya was" 

"Oh. That's great" Clarke says absentmindedly 

"Like she was gently but then so ro- Ow! What did you pinch me for, Octavia?" 

Octavia tilted her chin towards Clarke's direction before mouthing threats at Raven. 

"Oh. So, Clarke, how are you?" 

"Urm... I'm fine?" 

"Are you really?" Octavia asks placing her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand before looking at Clarke intently. 

"You look like a weird therapist. Stop that."

"I'm worried about you, Clarke. We're worried about you." Octavia says as she points to Raven who just so happens to be balancing (or trying to) a spoon on her nose. 

"Wha- oh yeah yeah, we're worried about you." Raven says not wanting to be pinched by Octavia again. 

"Why?" Clarke asks 

"Because this can't be easy for you." Octavia starts, "because Lexa's going through a lot and might go through a lot more. We're here for both of you, Clarke. So tell us what's on your mind."

"It's just..." Clarke starts but doesn't know how to end. "I don't understand. I was with her for all this time and I never knew. She seems fine on the outside and when she's with company but then when we're alone and I look into her eyes, I see the pain she's hiding. And to top all that off sometimes I see these scars on her body and it just hurts me so much I feel like they might as well have been on mine. I don't understand how I feel towards her. Like she makes me feel all these bad things but I feel them because I care so much about her and I don't get why. I've known her for a short amount of time and well to be honest, I don't even know so many things about her. Like what's her favorite color? I don't know. What was she planning to do with her life before the ordeal? I don't know. Does she have any pets? Does she wear dresses? What kinda music does she li-"

"Clarke, I'm gonna stop you there before Raven manages to inhale the spoon." Octavia says and glares at Raven who finally puts the spoon away with a sheepish grin. "Do all these things matter?" 

"Does it matter what her favorite color is or whether she has a pet fish or not? Does it matter?"

"I don't know." Clarke shrugs 

"It doesn't. Not really. Lincoln and I have been dating for a little over two weeks now and there's so many things I don't know about him. But what I do know is that he's a kind, smart, beautiful person both inside and out. That's all I really want to know." 

"So what are you saying then?" 

"What she's saying" Raven interrupts "Is that Lexa's a good person, and that's all that matters. And we're all going to be here for both you and her until you both sort your lives out." 

"But what if it takes forever?" Clarke asks 

"It takes as long as it takes." 

//

 

"I think you need to see a therapist." Anya says nonchalantly as she drops her keys on the living room table. 

"What?" Lexa asks disbelievingly "I think you've completely missed the point here, Anya."

"I don't mean one of those moronic psychopaths you've been dealing with, I mean an actual, real therapist."

"Why?" 

"Because I know you, Lexa. You're repressing your emotions right now and you're going to keep repressing them until you burst."

"I'm doing no such thing."

Anya raised an eyebrow at Lexa's direction.

"I'm not" Lexa defended weakly. 

"It can't have been easy" Anya started, "being told for so long that who you are is wrong."

"It wasn't. But I'm stronger than that."

"I know you are. But you don't have to keep it all in, you know?" Anya said, "You can talk to me about it." 

Lexa nodded but it was clear she just wanted the conversation to end. 

Anya had other plans. 

"Say it." Anya said with firmness in her tone but kindness in her eyes. 

"Say what?" Lexa asked even though she knew what Anya was getting at. 

"Don't be obtuse, Lexa. I know you've never said it out loud before. Say it to me now."

Lexa looked bewildered. A mixture of fear and panic crossed her face before she replaced it with stoic determination. 

"I..." Lexa shook her head. 

"Say it."

"I'm gay." Lexa said before she burst into tears of pure relief. Anya closed the distance between them and hugged her tight, "I'm so proud of you." 

Lexa pulled away, wiping her tear-streaked cheeks, "I've decided." 

Anya raised an eyebrow.

"I've decided about the trial."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos man I really appreciate it but an extra special thanks for everyone leaving super nice comments and following the story and hitting me up on tumblr, you all are so amazing. Clexa fandom 4 life.


	11. One step forward, two steps back.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays are (not so) happy times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions of cigarettes (idk is this even worthy of a trigger warning? just to be safe anyway)

Age is a strange concept. The act of getting older is an involuntary curse or perhaps it is a blessing, depending on how you look at things. Some days go by too slowly and others too quickly; we have no control over time and most of us have no control over how we spend such time. Which is why we are faced with an immeasurable amount of regret when we realise we have run out... of time. Yet, as much as we try to convince ourselves that life is short and to enjoy the moment, we cannot bring ourselves to relish in the present because the future is so. damn. daunting.

"Lexa, will you calm down? You're starting to make me nervous." Anya said as she casually flipped through a magazine on her bed.

"I've wasted nearly a year of my life! A YEAR. What am I gonna do now?" Lexa said pacing around the room.

"Lexaaaaa. Calm down." Anya said as she closed the magazine and placed her full concentration on her frantic cousin, "Listen to me. You didn't waste anything. Time is irrelevant. You've had a shitty experience and you've gone through a shitty time and I wish I can change that for you but I can't so let's make the best of it: it was terrible but it was an experience nonetheless and through it, you've learnt so many things and met some great people."

"Yeah, I know, but still."

"You make such a good point." Anya's words oozed with sarcasm,"I'm sorry you had to grow up a lot faster than I did but I'm also not, life is hard and it doesn't get easier. But the good thing is that you get stronger. You're smart and capable and you'll find your path again."

Lexa nods but the doubt is evident in her eyes.

"But we'll have plenty of time to think about this later. Now let's talk about more pressing matters." Anya continues

"Such as?" Lexa asks

"Such as your birthday" Anya says "which is tomorrow"

"Oh. What about it?"

"I was thinking we could invite the idiots and head out to the local pub for a nice quiet evening, what do you think?"

"Yeah... that actually seems like a pretty good idea." Lexa says after a pause.

"Why are you so surprised? I can have good ideas." Anya scoffs

"Sure."

//

"Hey Clarke! Clarke pay attention to me! CLAARRRRKKEEE"

"WHAT" Clarke throws the sponge in the sink and glares at Raven "What is it?! For God's sake what is it, Raven?"

"Wow. Geez. Calm yourself. I just wanted to tell you Lexa's birthday is tomorrow" Raven says with her best smile, "Anya just invited us to the pub, wanna go?"

"Oh. See? This is what I was talking about. There's so many things I don't know about her." Clarke says "But yeah of course I wanna go"

"No worries, you'll learn them all soon enough." Raven shrugs

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right. Anyway, you may finish the dishes, we'll go gift shopping later" Raven says with a smirk

Clarke rolls her eyes "Thank you, your royal highness. When is it your turn to do the dishes again?"

"Ow! OW my leg! Ow I can't!" Raven says way too dramatically

"Yeah, yeah" Clarke shoos her away with a smile.

//

"Clarke, this is so weird. Why are you getting this again?"

"Because Lexa mentioned she loved squids once" Clarke shrugged

"Ah yes I see. That is a perfectly reasonable excuse to get someone a stuffed squid."

"Shush." Clarke said, "Where's O again?"

"She's with her boyfriend. Why, am I not good enough for you?" Raven asked with a feigned pout "Anyway, you don't know her birthday but you know she loves squids?"

"Well... yeah. We're cool like that."

"And you're also gonna get that necklace with the bird pendant?"

"Yeah" Clarke shrugs, "Why? You don't like it? I was thinking it symbolises her new found freedom and stuff ya know?" 

Raven nods.

"What? What's wrong?" Clarke asks when she catches Raven's frown.

"You never got ME a stuffed squid." Raven huffs, the jealousy evident in her tone.

//

Lexa's not one to worry much about fashion and settles for her tight black jeans, white tank top and leather jacket. The outfit was complete with a pair of doc martin boots. Simplicity is key, she decided. Plus, she looked 'truly badass' as Anya put it. 

Clarke, on the other hand, spent a good couple of hours searching through the contents of her closets. After rummaging through piles of clothes and modelling for an insanely bored Raven, Clarke finally decides on a simple light blue dress that matches her eyes. Raven is overjoyed and as always, over dramatic. 

Both pairs make their way separately to their destination. The pub has a calm atmosphere, it's nice and quiet. Not too many people but not empty either, which is why Anya chose it. The music is soft and the small dance floor is occupied by couples lazily dancing along. 

Anya and Lexa are the first to arrive and pick one of the few tables large enough for the rest of their company. Lexa won't admit it but she's nervous and excited all the same. When Clarke walks through the door, it takes everything in Lexa not to drool at the sight. 

"You're too gay to function" Anya whispers to her. 

Lexa's response is in the form of a gentle nudge to the ribs. Clarke isn't fairing too well either; Lexa looks hot. 

Greetings ensue and the four of them settle in their seats. 

"Where's Octavia?" Anya asks 

"She's coming soon. And she's bringing a surprise." Raven wiggles her eyebrows 

"Oh God. It's not a stripper is it?" 

"No, cheekbones. Unfortunately not." Raven says "Clarke wouldn't let me" she mumbles 

"Thank you, Clarke."

"Anytime" Clarke winks at Lexa and Lexa almost chokes on her own saliva. 

Thankfully, Raven is too busy ogling her girlfriend to comment on Lexa and Clarke's dopey grins.

Octavia doesn't take long to arrive, dragging behind her the 'surprise'.

"Lincoln!" Lexa yells out and rushes to hug him. He picks her up and swings her around before putting her back down safely and placing a kiss on her forehead. If possible, her smile is even wider now. He sits right next to Lexa and intertwines their hands. It feels good, she thinks, to have found such a friend. 

"Should I be worried, babe?" Octavia asks with a grin of her own.

"Only if she'll have me" Lincoln replies with a wink aimed at Lexa. 

The discussion flows easily between them and with Anya and Lincoln by her side and Clarke sitting right in front of her, Lexa's never felt so safe. It's the first time in a long time that Lexa hasn't felt alone in a crowded room. 

"Can we order now? I'm starving" Raven says glaring hungrily at the menu. 

"Sure. Bellamy won't mind." 

"Bellamy?" Anya asks 

"Yeah. He's my brother. He's been dying to meet all of you, I hope it's okay I invited him."

"Sure, the more the merrier" Lexa says and it's one of the rare times she means it. 

Raven's busy throwing bits of tissue at Lincoln's head when she sees  _her._ Their eyes catch from across the room and  _of all the places in all the world, she had to be here, now._

Lincoln feels Lexa's hand squeeze his tightly and when looks up, he finds her gaze set firmly across the room. He follows her eyes and sees a young woman staring right back. He realises she's walking towards them and can feel Lexa stiffen beside him. 

"What a small world" She says

"And yet I never run into Beyonce" Anya replies with clear irritation in her voice, even though the comment wasn't for her. 

Lexa plasters a smile on her face before kicking Anya underneath the table. The tension is quick to settle on the group and Clarke's eyes hold a million questions. 

"Lexa, can I speak to you in private?" She says ignoring the watchful eyes 

Lexa opens her mouth to speak but it's Anya's voice that resonates "She's busy now, Costia." 

"I can speak for myself, Anya." Lexa says without once tearing her gaze away from the big brown eyes staring right through her. She stands to leave and Lincoln reluctantly releases her hand. 

They walk in silence and Costia leads them outside. She pulls out a packet of cigarettes from her purse, places one to her lips and lights it before offering one to Lexa. Lexa hesitates for a moment but _fuck it_ she thinks. She takes a drag and coughs desperately.  _Oh shit, this is how I die_. Costia stifles a giggle as Lexa wipes the tears from her eyes.

"Who was that?" Clarke asks with a mixture of concern and curiosity 

"Costia" Anya replies matter-of-factly 

"No shit, sherlock. But who is she exactly?" 

"Lexa's sort of ex" 

"Oh." Clarke feels a rush of jealousy overcome her and she doesn't even know why. Her feelings aren't justified but they are there. It bothers her more than it should that Lexa left her to speak to her ex. She tries not to feel silly but isn't successful. 

Costia and Lexa have settled into an awkward silence. The smoke flowing freely around their heads and lingering in Lexa's thick brown curls. 

"I'm sorry." Costia starts and the quick dissolution of silence startles Lexa. "I'm sorry for how I dealt with the situation. I'm sorry I never visited. I'm just... sorry. I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I hope you can forgive me because I haven't yet forgiven myself."

The confession takes Lexa by surprise. She hasn't allowed herself to think about Costia and sure, she was annoyed the girl never reached out but she didn't really blame her. They weren't serious, just two lonely people enjoying each other's company. There was a part of her that thought that Costia was her first love but she knew better than that. 

Lexa turns and faces her. She kisses her on the cheek and says "I don't forgive you. Because there's nothing to forgive. I understand. I'm sorry too... for everything."

Costia shoulders slump and Lexa can see the relief spread across her face. 

"I missed you" Costia whispers

"I missed you too" 

"How are things? How are your parents?" 

"Things are fine. I don't know, I haven't spoken to them in a while" Lexa shrugs, ignoring the little ripple of pain that tugs at her heart because despite wanting to be furiously angry, she can't help but feel hurt instead when the people who are supposed to love you the most end up not loving you at all. 

"They haven't reached out to you since..."

"No. Let's not talk about them anymore, please." 

"Okay." Costia agrees

"How's Georgetown?" Lexa asks faking her enthusiasm

"It's fine. It's missing you though." 

"Maybe I'll apply again next year. They accepted me once already, maybe they'll accept me again." 

"I'm sure they will." Costia says, "So, who are those people you were with?" 

"New friends. Clarke and I met at the institution." Lexa says and Costia doesn't miss the way her eyes light up at the mention of the name. 

"Clarke, huh?"

"Yup?" 

"You like her." Costia states giving little room for denial. 

"Well, yeah, she's my friend."

"No. You  _like_ her." Costia persists 

"Oh urm n-no uh-"

"I forgot how cute you get when flustered." Costia smiles teasingly "Does she know?"

Lexa shakes her head. 

"Why?" 

Lexa sighs. It's futile to deny and honestly, she does want to get this off her chest.

"Because she's probably straight and if I tell her, it's just going to mess up our friendship and it'll be weird."

"Tell me about her" Costia says and so, Lexa does. She tells her about Clarke and how blue her eyes are and how Clarke hugs her tight before they fall asleep and how Clarke's smile lights up her world. 

 

"I'm gonna give you some pretty solid advice okay?"

"Okay?"

"Are you ready?" 

"Urm... yeah?"

Costia smacks her head, "You need to talk to her, you big doofus. That girl clearly likes you if not loves you."

"Ow! Why is everyone so violent" Lexa mumbles, "How can you be so sure?" 

"Lexa, just trust me on this. Talk to her." Costia says with a soft smile 

"Okay." Lexa smiles back. 

"It was nice seeing you, Lexa." Costia says and before she walks away, she kisses her cheek and whispers "Happy birthday."

Lexa can't help the smile that covers her face. It's a bittersweet sensation really, watching your (kinda) first love walk away. It hurts. It always does when it comes to the matters of the heart but there's relief in knowing you're still friends even after everything. There's relief in knowing you haven't left each other broken, afraid and unwilling to find your last love. 

And with that, she gathers herself and every ounce of courage she has to walk through those doors and try again.

Blonde hair isn't difficult to spot. The first thing Lexa sees is a twirl of blue on the dance floor but her eyes quickly dart to who she's dancing with. He's handsome. Brown hair flopping on his face. She's dancing. She's happy. She's dancing with a man and she's happy. 

She doesn't recognise that that is Bellamy, Octavia's brother and one of Clarke's oldest friends. How could she? She's never seen him before. So she feels her heart break in her chest as her hopes crumble around her. 

She pulls out her phone and shoots a quick text to her cousin letting her know she's not feeling well and heading home. 

//

"Damn it" Anya seethes 

"What?" Raven asks, wing still in her mouth 

"It's Lexa. She left. That stupid bitch must have upset her."

"Stupid bitch" Raven mumbles 

"I should go. I have to check on her."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Lincoln asks already standing up

"No, no, you're too sweet." Anya says, "Keep this one. I like him" She smiles at Octavia before heading off. 

//

When Anya arrives home, she's surprised by the quiet. She places her key on the table and calls out Lexa's name.

No reply. _Strange_. 

"Lexa?" She tries again.

She walks into the bedroom and she can hear shuffling coming from underneath the bed.

She grabs the closest 'weapon' from her nightstand and crouches down quickly preparing to strike, what she thinks, is a lurking murderer. 

"AHHHH!" Lexa and Anya scream out simultaneously.

"What the fucking fuck?!" Anya breathes clutching her chest 

"Oh my God you scared the shit out of me" Lexa says doing the same and crawling out from underneath the bed. 

"What's wrong with you? I could have killed you!" Anya says gesturing to the deodorant can still clutched tightly in her other hand. 

"You were gonna... spray me to death?" Lexa asks amused 

"Don't tempt me." Anya says "Let's see how funny it is when you've got an eyeful of deodorant."

"Okay, okay. Sorry" Lexa says sitting on the bed. 

Anya sits right next to her. 

"What were you doing underneath the bed like a creepy bitch?"

"Hiding" Lexa shrugs 

"From who?"

"Everyone."

"Wanna talk about it?" Anya asks 

"There's nothing to say. I like someone who doesn't like me back." Lexa shrugs 

"Maybe that's a good thing" Anya replies thinking that Lexa is talking about Costia 

"Maybe it is. But how do you get over it then?" 

"You just... distract yourself. Try not to think about her." 

Not think about Clarke? Not think about those piercing blue eyes and that radiant smile? That seems nothing short of impossible. 

"Okay" Lexa says defeated and so Anya hugs her tight in response. 

Sleep doesn't come easily on nights like these even though it's the only thing that can possibly distract from the heart ache. 

But they fall asleep eventually. 

Lexa dreams of Clarke. She forgets in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep those comments coming people!


	12. Another sleepless night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! 
> 
> Okay so heads up: this chapter starts out pretty dark. I'm sorry. 
> 
> It gets better though, promise.

Self-destruction is a peculiar thing. You can feel yourself beginning to fall into the pit of despair. You feel it. It's slow at first and those around you extend their hands as a gesture of help but you refuse, only to further withdraw into yourself. You push them away even though you know you shouldn't. You push because you're tired and you want to rest. You push because you honestly don't care anymore. So you let yourself fall.

And when you're lying there in the darkness feeling so alone and helpless, you wonder how you let it get this bad. The memory is a blur and your emotions range from numbness to inexplicable helplessness.

You are helpless.

The water hits her aching body. It's warm. Too warm. Maybe scolding even but she enjoys it that way. She lets the water wash away the pain and the anger. She lets the water run over her tired body in the hopes that maybe it would also ease her tired soul.

It started out simple enough, with Lexa refusing to wake up on time. She started to sleep in more and more until she she slept entirely too much. She started eating more and more too. Replying to text messages, phone calls and participating in conversations less and less until not at all. She even started to smoke. It didn't matter that she knew it was bad for her, or she could feel that familiar itch in her throat or that lingering cough, she knew but she just couldn't bring herself to care. 

It wasn't just because of Clarke. That would be stupid. It was everything put together. It was the memories that haunted her and the shame she carried in her heart even though her head told her not to. It was the loss of a family she once loved and thought loved her too. It was the loss of an entire world only to be plunged into a new one. It was the anxiety of the days to come and the fear that she would have to face them all alone. It was all these things combined that formed such a burden, such a heavy burden that proved too much for one to carry.

 

 _Maybe this life wasn't meant for me_ , she thought.  _Maybe I should just stop fighting. It would be so much easier to just get lay down to never get up again. Except it isn't easy at all, is it?_

The banging on the bathroom door interrupts her dark thoughts and she is both grateful and solemn. 

"Lexa? Are you okay? You've been in there for a while." Anya pauses, waiting for an answer but when she hears none, she continues "Did you fall and die in the shower? That'll be awkward." 

_I wish._

Lexa turns the water off at last and covers herself with a only a towel before opening the door "Still alive and kicking", she says with a half smile. 

Anya hadn't given up on her. Not yet, anyway. And even though a part of her was screaming for help, another part just wanted Anya to go away, to leave her alone so she could be completely left to her own destructive devices. But that was hard to do since she was still living at Anya's apartment and still sleeping in her bed. 

So Lexa walked back to the bedroom with Anya hot on her tail. She pulled out her sleeping shorts and an oversized shirt from her side of the closet and began to dress whilst keeping the towel firmly around her form. 

"What are you doing?" Anya asked leaning against the door frame with her arms folded against her chest. 

"Urm... Is this a trick question?" Lexa asked. 

"Why are you wearing pyjamas?"

"Because I wanna sleep?"

"It's 4:30 in the afternoon, Lexa." Anya says sternly. 

"Yes thank you for the gift of time, oh wise master." Lexa replies, clearly irritated at the interference. 

Anya sighs and shakes her head before leaving and closing the door behind her. 

Lexa crawls into bed and once she's all cozy underneath the covers, she takes her phone from the nightstand and scrolls through her messages for the first time in a while. 

She is not surprised to find quite a few unread messages. She scrolls through her phone impassively. 

 **Lincoln:** Oi, where you been? 

 **Lincoln:** Don't you miss me?

 **Octavia:** Hey hey!

 **Raven:** wanna come watch dora with me?

And finally, she brings herself to read Clarke's array of messages. Including those she's been ignoring since she's last seen her. 

 **Clarke:** Hey

 **Clarke:** Why did you leave?

 **Clarke:** Anya said you weren't feeling well. can i come over?

 **Clarke:** i miss you

 **Clarke:** Where r u?

 **Clarke:** Why arent you checking your messages?

 **Clarke:** Are you ignoring me?

 **Clarke:** What's your favorite color?

 **Clarke:** mine is green. 

 **Clarke:** i miss you

 **Clarke:** can you fucking talk to me

 **Clarke:** i hate you

 **Clarke:** i didnt mean that

 **Clarke:** i love you actually

 

And with that the hurt become too much and she all but threw her phone away, not forgetting the birthday gifts tucked into the closet alongside the folded paper. 

 

How ironic it is to be scared of death but even more so of life. 

 

 _When did things become so hard?_   _I am plagued by dark thoughts and wish they would go away, but they won't, so I hope I will go away instead._

 

 

Lexa closed her eyes and fell into an overly disturbed sleep from which she would wake up even more exhausted than before. 

 

//

 

Clarke wasn't fairing much better off. The nightmares were back. And with a vengeance. 

 

Octavia burst into Clarke's room without warning but Clarke didn't flinch. She lay on her back simply staring at the ceiling. 

 

"Wake up, Griffin." 

"No" 

"What are you still doing in bed?"

"I overslept." Clarke simply stated. 

"It's 4 in the bloody afternoon."

"So? Not like I have anywhere else to be."

"Yes you do. Get up and help me tear Raven away from the TV. She's throwing things at it again."

Clarke grumbled and groaned but tore herself away from her the comfort of her bed. 

She walked into the living room and true to Octavia's word, found Raven indeed throwing things at the television. 

"You stupid bitch! Look behind you, you fucking moron!" Raven said as she searched for another cushion to throw. 

"Raven, if it bothers you so much, just stop watching it." Octavia said, reaching for the remote and changing the channel. 

"It's an addiction." Raven shrugs, finally calming down. "Oh, hello there, Griffin. Nice to see you've finally honoured us with your presence." 

"Eat shit, Raven" Clarke said sinking onto the couch next to her. 

"Love you too, babe" Raven said and proceeded to place wet kisses on Clarke's face. 

"Ewwwww" Clarke said but there was no denying she loved the rare display of affection. 

"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Octavia asked, directing the question at her blond friend now wiping the saliva from her face 

"Yes." 

"I plan on sleeping and then, wait for it" Clarke paused for dramatic effect "sleeping some more."

"Har har so funny. Tough shit. You're going on a road-trip with us and then, we're going out for a nice meal."

"A road-trip? Oh how adventurous" 

"Indeed." Raven grinned "But tonight is fucking movie night yo!"

Clarke could deny it as much as she wanted, but all three knew how much Clarke loved movie nights. So Octavia grabbed the blankets, Clarke prepared the snacks and Raven was her usual lazy ass self. It was lovely. 

//

The alarm blared next to her head and Lexa groaned and wished for time to stand still. It was the big day. Anya stirred next to her clearly as annoyed, if not more, at the intrusion. 

"You don't have to do this you know? If you don't want to" Anya said her voice still hoarse from sleep

"Believe me, Anya, I really don't want to do this. But I need to." 

Anya nodded and they both got up and got dressed. 

They drove in silence to the law firm. Lexa was grinding her jaw throughout but Anya didn't comment, her white knuckle grip on the steering wheel indicative of her own nerves. 

"Ms. Alexandria, Ms. Anya,  It's nice to see you." Attorney Green said and flashed them his kindest smile. 

It wasn't enough to ease their tension. 

He explained the complications and the possible outcomes of the trial and despite Lexa's intelligence, she just wasn't in the mood to follow. 

"What do I have to do?" She interrupted him and Anya was surprised at the harshness in her voice, but again, chose to remain silent. 

"Okay. Cutting to the chase kinda person. I like it." Monty said with a smile that never seemed to falter. 

"We have a total of three victims. You're one of them. I explained to you before that for personal reasons, they do not wish to be first on the stand." He paused and both women nodded in comprehension. 

"Before you ask, they both wish to remain anonymous until the moment in which they are forced not to be." 

"What does that mean?" Anya asked

"It means that they do not want their identities revealed until they take the stand. Not even to you." 

It was strange. It almost felt like a trap. Monty explained that it was out of fear and whatnot. But Anya wasn't buying it. Eventually, he resorted to saying that even if they didn't show up as planned, Lexa's testimony would hopefully be enough - if he plays his cards right. He continued to explain what Lexa would have to say and do. It was overwhelming and even though every fibre in her being was screaming at her to return to the safety of her bed, she knew she had to fight this fight. So she stayed and she listened until there was nothing left to be said. 

 

//

 

Clarke did not like beef jerky. No; That's an understatement. Clarke hated beef jerky. 

"Where are we going again?" Clarke asked hopping into the back seat. 

Raven always insisted on driving, even though her leg would hurt after some time, she never let up. 

"To the bitch" Raven mumbled around a mouthful of beef jerky. 

"What?" 

"The beach" Octavia clarified from the passenger seat. 

"Oh. But it's cold." 

"I'll keep you nice and warm, Griff, don't worry." Raven says with a wink. 

"Raven." Octavia says sternly because she's sensitive and not a complete douche.

"What? I'll keep you warm too, don't get jealous"

And with that, they were on their way. 

"Just try it!"

"I have tried it, Raven! I hate it, keep it away." 

"Claaarkeee, I'm being nice enough to share food here, just try it!"

"I don't want to!"

"Please?" Raven said making her eyes all cute. 

"Fine." Clarke said and grabbed a piece of jerky. 

"Well?" 

"It tastes like Satan's asshole."

"Fuck off. Never sharing food with you again." 

"Thank you Lord for this blessing." Clarke says and Octavia bursts out laughing, enjoying this exchange a little too much. 

 

The beach was nice. Indeed, it was cold, but it was nice. And Clarke enjoyed the change of scenery. They sat and talked and played until the sun set and it was time to return. 

They got back in the car and strapped themselves in. 

Raven eyed Octavia suspiciously before casually asking "Where to now?"

"Home!" Clarke said all too quickly. 

If Clarke wasn't too tired, she would have noticed the strange behaviour of the fellow idiots. Octavia nudges Raven not so discreetly. 

"But I'm hungry!" Raven whines

"What else is new?" Clarke asks, "We can order pizza when we get home, you love pizza."

"Oh yeah, yummy, piz-" Raven starts but her Octavia cuts her off with an elbow to the ribs. 

Raven clears her throat, "I mean. No, I'm sick of pizza. What about that Mexican place?"

"What?! Quick Octavia, call the ambulance! Raven's sick of pizza!" Clarke mocks

"Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke." Raven says a bit too seriously, probably still brooding about not getting pizza tonight. 

Clarke sighs, "Come on guys, its been a long day, let's go home."

"They have burritos" Octavia says in her most seductive voice, wriggling her eyebrows. 

"Oh. This changes things." Damn Octavia and her knowledge of Clarke's true weaknesses. 

"Mexican it is!" Octavia cheers, and then whispers to Raven "Go quickly before she changes her mind." 

"Aye aye, boss" Raven winks at her. 

//

 

Anya and Lexa were back in the car when Anya coughs. Lexa ignores her and so, she coughs a lot louder. 

Lexa finally acknowledges Anya's presence, "Did you swallow a fly again?" She asks with a serious tone. 

"That was one time! It just flew- Anyway." Anya takes a deep breath "No. But I'm hungry. I was thinking we try that new Mexican place downtown?" 

"Do we have to? Can't we just eat what we eat every night?"

"You are aware that gummy bears don't exactly fit the criteria of dinner, right?"

"They don't?"

"No. We're going to the Mexican place. The decision is final."

"Bu-"

"Final!" Anya yells and Lexa's too scared to argue again. 

 

//

 

The duo arrive at the restaurants a few moments later and Anya doesn't wait to be shown a table, she just barges right in, which should strike Lexa as odd but who pays attention to minor details anyway. 

And that's when she sees them. 

Lexa's eyes widen in surprise and anxiety before she grabs Anya's arm to halt her in her steps.

"Lexa, please do this for me." Anya pleads 

"An-"

"Please." 

And with that, Lexa releases Anya's arm, nods and follows her to the table. 

Raven spots the duo first and kicks Octavia slightly under the table, causing Octavia to turn around. By the time Clarke realises what's happening, Lexa and Anya are hovering awkwardly right next to her. 

"Oh. What. A. Surprise. Seeing. You. Here." Raven laughs nervously around clearly scripted words. 

Clarke glares at her intensely before Octavia invites them to take a seat. Lexa sits next to Raven and therefore facing Clarke whilst Anya grabs a seat and sits at the head of the table.

Lexa and Clarke are trying too hard to avoid each other's gaze whilst the other three try too hard to ease the palpable tension. 

Midst awkward conversation, their server finally arrives with the menus. 

"Good evening! I'll be yo-" The waitress stops mid-sentence when she finally stops fiddling with the menus and looks at the table she's serving. 

Raven, Octavia and Clarke's heads turn too fast towards the direction of the voice leaving Anya and Lexa confused and concerned for the safety of the trio's necks. 

"Niylah." Clarke says 

"Hi Clarke" Niylah responds with a smile before placing the menus on the table and walks away without so much as an introduction. 

Everyone fiddles around with the menus silently, no one wanting to be the first to break the silence, until Niylah returns, serving each a glass of water and taking their orders. 

Lexa notices Raven's fixated glare on Niylah's back as she walks away and can't stop herself from uttering "What was all that about?" 

Silence ensued and Lexa takes a drink of her water before Raven decides to just rip the band-aid and casually says "That's Clarke's ex". 

Lexa chokes on her water a little too violently. 

"Woah, Lexa, you okay?" Anya says patting Lexa on the back. 

"Yeah yeah, fine" Lexa says around coughs trying to regain her composure. 

"You sure there Leashy-loo?" Raven says with an amused smile 

"More like leashy- _poo"_ Clarke mumbles under her breath. 

But even though it was uttered quietly, Lexa hears it and directs her gaze at Clarke for the first time this evening before grudgingly excusing herself to go to the bathroom. 

It doesn't take Clarke too long to follow. 

 

//

 

 

They stand in the middle of the empty bathroom for a while too long for the silence to be comfortable before Lexa finally cracks and asks "You're not straight?"

Clarke's taken aback at the question. Of all the things Lexa could ask, did she really just choose that?

"No, I'm not." Clarke replies bitterly, "I'm bi, if you must know."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Maybe if you stuck around long enough, I would have." Clarke spits back and her tone is so aggressive that Lexa takes a step back. Clarke sees the movement and decides to allow her pent up rage to fester. 

"But you never stick around, do you? You just fucking ran away, like the coward you are." Clarke takes another step forward and Lexa one back effectively trapping her against the bathroom wall. 

"You just left without an explanation, without any regard for anyone but yourself! You didn't give a shit how that would affect me, you didn't even have the courtesy to reply to the billion messages I sent you."

"Why do you care?" Lexa mumbles

"Because I care about you! You complete fucking idiot, I care about you!"

"No one fucking cares!" Lexa yells back 

"You're speaking only for yourself there, Lexa. I care about you. I think I always will. You're the one who fucking walked away. You're the one who doesn't give a fuck about me." Clarke spits with tears building in her eyes. 

"I'm fucking in love with you!" Lexa screams, "But I'm just your fucking charity case, aren't I? A little project that you're working on to make yourself feel better. Isn't that why you got mommy involved? Well, guess what Clarke, I don't need your fucking help. The only one who can save me is ME. So you go back to your little perfect fucking life and your fucking soon-to-be husband and leave me to mine. I don't ever want to see you again." Lexa seethes and storms off before Clarke even absorbs the confession let alone react. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are highly HIGHLY appreciated! 
> 
> I appreciate every single comment I receive and every single kudos as well, so thank you for your constant support. It means so much to me. 
> 
> Any guesses who the other 2 anonymous people are? I wanna see if anyone's onto me yet 
> 
> Also, congrats CLEXA KRU for winning yet another poll! Special thanks to my best friend in the www (whole wide world) for staying up, voting with me and constant unwavering support for this story (and me), you're beyond words.


	13. Supernova

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace for feels? But the good kind I hope

The weight of words is heavy.

Some things are better left unsaid.

Angry confessions and late night confrontations might qualify as some things. And even though Clarke is shaking, her hands unsteady and her face pale, she is both relieved and agonised not only by the words thrust open her but also by the tone in which they were spoken.

Clarke makes her way back to the table in hopes of finding Lexa seated across from her. But she is not surprised when the seat is as empty as her heart.

She is aware of the concerned glances she receives from those who are indeed present, but does nothing to alleviate the tension.

"What happened, Clarke?" Octavia asks and her tone is so gentle it's almost a whisper in the vibrant atmosphere of the restaurant.

"I- I don't know." Clarke says because she really didn't know. _What just happened? In love? Future husband? I never want to see you again?_

"You look pale as fuck, and that's saying something since you  _are_ pale as fuck." Raven says and though her words playful, her tone is serious.  

"Where's Lexa?" Anya asks as her eyes search the crowded room. 

"I don't know."

"Clarke, what happened?" Anya presses on a little more firmly this time, the concern for her cousin becoming evident in her demeanor. 

Clarke takes a deep breath and her clouded vision is finally beginning to clear as her senses slowly but surely return to her. "We had a fight." She pauses and observes the nodding heads around her.

"We both said some things that were -" She cuts herself off with a shake of the head. "She said she never wanted to see me again and then she stormed off." 

Octavia grabs a firm hold of Clarke's hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze as Anya takes her phone out and dials, presumably, her lost cousin. 

Niylah returns to the table with their food but what is meant to be a delicious site only makes Clarke nauseous and Niylah's shy smile makes her furious.

"How could you do this to me?" Clarke spits at Octavia as she attempts to wriggle her hand out of the firm grasp. Octavia squeezes tighter through an apology. 

Clarke's eyes well up with tears and she uses her other hand to angrily wipe at them before they fall. 

"She's not answering" Anya sighs and the worry is in the pit of her stomach. It's a feeling she hates but knows all too well. 

"Let's go find her." Raven says and everyone nods before they pay what is due and stand to leave the restaurant. 

They head to the parking lot and Anya digs a shaky hand in her purse to retrieve her car keys before Raven stops her, "Nu-uh. Nope. You're coming with us. We're all going together. Right, Clarke?" Clarke nods furiously, her eyes never leaving Anya's gaze. 

"You guys must be tired. Go get some rest. I'll look for her, don't worry." 

"Anya, if you think Clarke's going to let us sleep before you find her, you are surely mistaken." Octavia says and Anya forces a stiff smile before forcing a stiff nod. 

It's a cold night. The wind is strong and harsh and even thick layers don't protect against it. Raven's driving and Anya's in the passenger seat. The first stop is the most logical one and Anya hurries to her apartment, opening the door and yelling Lexa's name. When she doesn't hear anything she heads to the bedroom and looks under the bed. A twinge of disappointment strikes her when she sees only darkness. 

Anya worries for her cousin. Not only because it's dark and cold and the streets are a dangerous place for someone as small and fragile as Lexa but also because she knows her cousin is impulsive and damaged (possibly beyond repair- but she hopes not). 

She heads back to Charlotte (the car) and slumps in the passenger seat before saying "No luck". Clarke groans in frustration as the other two attempt to comfort them. 

"Can you think of anywhere she could be?" Octavia asks 

"I've been racking my brain but I can't come up with anything. I guess I don't know her as well as I should." Anya says with a sigh and regret. 

"That's okay, I'll just keep driving around till you can think of something." Raven says with a shy smile and Anya nods in response. Words seem to be escaping all of them tonight. 

They drive around in silence for a while. The streets are alive with drunken folk walking aimlessly and groups of teenagers up to no good. The lights are strong, bright and different colors. Anya still can't think of anything but luckily for her, her torture is short lived as they spot Lexa outside of one of the numerous clubs.

She's drunk. 

She's swaying around with another girl in the middle of the street and she's so  _so_ drunk. 

Anya doesn't wait for the car to fully stop before she opens the door, ignoring Raven's very verbal and  _very_ loud protests, and runs towards Lexa. 

Lexa's surprise is evident in her comically wide eyes before she's slurring happy greetings at Anya.

Anya grabs her hand firmly and tugs. "Let's go home."

"I don't have a home." Lexa replies and for someone so small and so intoxicated, it's a surprise how firmly her feet remain planted on the ground. 

Anya twirls around and faces her cousin, looking deep into hazy green eyes before saying "Yes. Yes, you do." 

Lexa tugs her hand free before mumbling "Nope. I don't. It's your bed, it's your house! It's not mine, I'm just a lil charity case taking up all your space."

"Lexa, home... home isn't a place." Anya says and then points to her own heart "Home is here", she says, "Home is people who love you. I love you, isn't that enough?"

Lexa's eyes tear up and then she's flinging herself at Anya. Anya holds her tight and hugs her even tighter before dragging her cousin back to Charlotte (the car).

"Can you sit in the passenger seat?" Anya directs her question to Octavia who mumbles a quick 'yes' before changing her seat.

Anya pushes Lexa into the seat next to Clarke before getting in and sitting cozily on her other side. 

She smells strongly of liquor, tequila to be specific, and cigarettes. It's overwhelming. 

"No!" Lexa protests, "I want a window seat!" 

"No!" Anya and Clarke scream out in unison, knowing all too well that Lexa wants to stick her head out the window but she really  _really_ shouldn't in this state. 

Lexa looks over at Clarke with a dopey grin before mumbling "You're really pretty". 

Clarke's surprised, to say the least. Her frown immediately dissipated and she's fighting against a smile. "You're really drunk." 

"True." Lexa winks "And you're really pretty" 

Anya's rolling her eyes, Octavia is politely staring out the window and Raven can't control her laughter so Clarke plunges her knee into her seat to control it for her. 

Lexa leans over Clarke and Clarke's about to protest thinking Lexa's going to do something she's really going to regret in sobriety before Lexa's hand starts rolling down the window. Lexa's entire body is over Clarke's now before she's sticking her head out of the window. Anya reaches out to grab her but Clarke swats her away and says "It's okay, I got this" as she grips her hands around Lexa's waist.

Lexa doesn't even feel the contact but Clarke does. The cold wind seeping through the window hitting her face and ruffling her hair isn't enough to counteract the warmth she feels from the touch. It feels good. It feels really good and when they reach the parking of Anya's apartment complex, Clarke very disappointedly lets go. 

"We don't want to intrude." Octavia says when Anya invites them up. 

"Don't be stupid. You ran around all night helping me find this idiot" Anya points at Lexa who is still wearing a dopey grin and leaning very heavily on Clarke "The least I can do is offer you a cup of coffee or tea, so please" 

"I can think of a few more things you can do" Raven whispers in Anya's ear.

//

Lexa's clinging to Clarke for dear and singing a little too loudly as they stumble up the stairs. 

"AND I WOULD WALKKKK FIVE TOWSAN MILES AND I WOULD WALK FIVE MILYAN MOREEEEEE" Lexa sings in what is assumed to be a horrendously terrible British accent. 

Octavia and Raven are in tears at the drunken display but Anya is seriously not amused and Clarke is too busy trying not to topple down the stairs. 

Clarke's sweating by the time they reach the apartment and she thanks her lucky stars when Lexa slumps into bed without protest. 

"Can I have a goodnight kiss?" Lexa asks as Clarke removes her shoes for her. 

Clarke sighs and presses a kiss on Lexa's cheek. It's hard to be angry or feel any other negative emotions really at this big goof ball. 

"No" Lexa pouts, "I want a goodnight kiss here" she says and points to her lips 

Clarke shakes her head and says what she hopes is a very firm "Goodnight, Lexa." before turning her back to leave the room.

She's almost at the door before she hears "Why'd you save me?" 

"What?"

"That night. When I wanted to... you know, with the pills and stuff. Why'd you save me?" Lexa tries to sit up but fails miserably before whispering a sad "I'm not worth saving."

Clarke's heart breaks in her chest.

"Lexa..." Clarke starts but struggles to find the words to continue "You-" 

"Lexa. You saved ME. You're so special, Lexa. You saved ME. Not the other way around and I think..." Clarke takes a deep breath before continuing "No. I know I love you. Because when I met you, I felt complete. When I met you, Allen's words finally made sense to me. Because Lexa, when I looked into your eyes, I felt it in my heart- my soul."

"I think that a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star." 

Clarke smiles sadly to herself, "But we can't be. Because you, you're a supernova."

Clarke exhales and looks up to find teary eyes staring at her. Clarke hopes with all her heart that this moment won't be lost to Lexa. She hopes that the emotion in her words is enough to stick despite the alcohol.

But it isn't. 

//

 

The trio makes their way back home after warm cups of tea and Clarke feels as if she's leaving a piece of her behind. Again. 

 

//

 

The date of the trial is fast approaching and even Lexa's agonising head ache isn't enough to quieten the nerves she feels.

Anya brings her a bottle of water and aspirin. "Good morning, sunshine" 

"Speak to me in whispers" Lexa groans 

"Okay!" Anya says a little too loudly, taking pleasure in her petty revenge before walking away overly pleased with herself. 

Lexa's phone buzzes next to her and when she glances at it she's surprised not only at the time, and thereby how much she's slept, but also at how many texts Clarke has sent her. 

 **Clarke:** Can we meet?

 **Clarke:** Lexa, please. I need to speak to you. 

 **Clarke:** Please. 

 **Clarke:** I have to tell you some very important things, stop being such a fucking stubborn bitch and reply. 

 **Clarke:** I know you told me you never want to see me again, but please just let me explain and then you can make your final decision. 

 

Shit. 

Lexa tries to recall the events of yesterday night but it's all a foggy blur. She remembers the events at the restaurant well, unfortunately, but everything after that is just messy. 

There's an awful taste in her mouth and decides brushing her teeth and washing her face would be a good thing to do before replying. 

She stands in front of the sink and when she looks up, she jumps at her reflection. Her hair is an absolute mess, her eyes are glossy and there are dark black circles around her eyes. Wow. She doesn't realise that even with all of that, she still looks beautiful. 

She finishes from the bathroom and exits to find Anya not-so-patiently waiting for her. 

"The trial is tomorrow."

Shit. 

"We have to go shopping. You need something formal to wear." Anya continues 

Lexa nods. 

"Lexa..." 

"What?"

"Are you sure about this?"

"No." Lexa says, "But I'm gonna do it anyway."

After a long days shopping and the remnants of a blazing headache, Clarke's texts are forgotten. 

A shaking Lexa falls asleep in Anya's strong arms.

//

 

Lexa wears a formal black and white classic tight fitting suit and damn it looks good. 

She walks into the court room on shaky feet with Anya plastered by her side. Anya's stoic face hides her emotions. 

"Are you scared?" Anya whispers

"No." Lexa shakes her head, "I'm terrified."

The court room is packed with a fair amount of people. Lexa doesn't expect to see familiar faces but is more than relieved when she spots Clarke, Octavia, Raven and especially Lincoln sitting in a row in the middle. 

She treads over to them and can see how hesitant Clarke looks even from a distance, like she isn't sure if she's meant to be there at all. 

Lexa is quick to alleviate the uncertainty. 

"I'm glad you came." She says to Clarke who is taken aback by the statement but is quick to reply "Me too" with a signature sad smile. 

She greets each of them with a hug before taking her designated seat in the row in front of them. Monty's instructions are clear and simple enough: Take the stand when asked and state your piece. 

They sit patiently throughout the introductions and opening statements and  _fuck_ the anticipation has to be worse than the actual thing because the suspense is killing her. 

Lexa keeps her eyes trained on Monty's head and tries to steady her breathing. The words spoken falling on her deaf ears until Anya gently nudges her. 

"Huh?"

"Lexa, they called your name. It's time." 

"Oh." And suddenly Lexa's trying to find ways to get out of this. Maybe if she pretends to faint, or claims severe period cramps... _No_. _Stay focused,_ Lexa tells herself as she forces herself to the stand. Her palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. 

She takes a moment to look around and  _shit_. How did she not see them before? 

Finn's eyes are glaring at her with such intent hatred she's sure she's going to die at that exact moment. Next to him is the monster who physically and mentally tortured her for days on end. Her hearts beating so fast and she can't hear anything beyond her own pulse in her ears. Fear is taking over and it's taking over quickly. 

Her gaze lingers on their faces a few seconds longer before it drifts back to Anya and Clarke. They're smiling at her and it warms her up from the icy glares. She notices Lincoln glaring at the hateful two and she smirks a little,  _thank you,_ she thinks. 

Time seems to stand still. 

Has it been hours, days, weeks maybe since she's been sitting there on display? 

"Please state your name for the court"

"Alexandria Woods" 

After swearing to be truthful and so on so forth, she continues to recount her experience. Her voice is shaky at first and the words barely surpass her lips but she gains strength from her anger and preservers to inform the jury, judge and audience of the horrors occurring behind those walls.

And with every detailed encounter, she sees the hate grow in the eyes of those she loves and it hurts her but she doesn't stop. She speaks of the long talks filled with shame, of the humiliating aversion therapy, of the constant physical abuse (including the belt incident) and, worst of all, the constant emotional and mental manipulation. 

The other lawyer objects several times but none of them stick and she soldiers on to the end before Monty thanks and excuses her. She takes her rightful place next to Anya and Clarke reaches out to gently squeeze her shoulder and she's thankful for the support. 

Monty introduces anonymous person number 1, a young man, around the same age as Lexa (give or take a few years) who recounts similar experiences. 

He states his name as "Nathan Miller" and continues on to explain the extent of the abuse. Even Lexa is appalled at what he has to say. It seems he got an even worse treatment, perhaps because he was a  _man?_  

By the time he is excused, he is in tears and he needs help walking back. 

Monty calls for the third and final to take a stand. 

The doors open and she steps forward. 

Lexa turns to look and that's when she sees  _her._

Lexa's mouth falls open in pure shock and she's too busy staring to see the panicked look in Anya's eyes. 

_Shit._

Lexa begins to hyperventilate and everyone around them notices but no one understands why except for Anya, who holds her hand and squeezes tightly. 

"Please state your name for the court."

"Mrs. Helen Woods."

_Lexa's mother._

She vows to be truthful on her trusty bible before the court proceeds. 

"Make your statement please, Mrs. Woods." 

She nods and looks her daughter straight in the eyes, before clearing her throat and continuing. 

Lexa wants to look away, she really does. She wants to stand up and run away as far and as fast as her legs can carry her, but she doesn't. She stays seated and stares back into her mothers eyes wondering  _whether her mother realised she was on the wrong side of this fight._

"I was born in a world where defiance was sin and homosexuality meant hell. I tried to instil in my daughter, Alexandria, my beliefs and told her repeatedly that giving into her urges was weakness." She paused and Lexa felt her heart breaking all over again.

"But as I sit here today- I'm here to say that love is not weakness. Love is strength. Sitting here today and admitting that I was, that I am, wrong is strength. Forcing my daughter into an unhappy relationship with a man, just like my mother did to me is wrong and giving into it is weakness. What my daughter did is strength. Alexandria, I'm so sorry and you're so strong, I just hope you're strong enough to forgive me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop. There it is. What do you think? 
> 
> Does she deserve forgiveness? 
> 
> Lemme know!


	14. Chitty Chitty Chat Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is some form (kinda) of communication.

Regret: A futile and, arguably, the most toxic human emotion.

We live in an unforgiving world. Why is it unforgiving? Perhaps it is because we cannot forgive ourselves.

Why is it that years of evolution have allowed human beings to harbour this emotion? Is it to prevent future mistakes? Or is it to simply allow us to wallow in the past, constantly reliving our errors, and wishing again and again for the events to occur differently?

But wishes rarely do come true. And so, we are stuck in a cycle; a cycle of regret.  

For it is only when we can accept the past for what it is, without hoping for it to change, that we can forgive.

And as Lexa sat there, in a room filled with people, feeling very alone, listening to her own mother, she wondered not only if she could forgive her but if her mother could forgive herself.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Or do they? 

The verdict would not be passed on this day. The trial is young and much overdue. 

So when they were dismissed, Lexa stood with her head held high, knowing that she did what she had to do and walked out of that courtroom will all the fake confidence she could muster. Her supporters (aka Lincoln, Octavia, Raven and Anya) followed suit. 

In comparison, the outside of the court room was very quiet and empty. 

But the calm did not last long as the furious doctor from hell and Finn were approaching them with rage in his eyes. Clarke prepared herself for a fight. 

"Lexa! You will wallow in the smut of your homosexual deprav-" 

Lexa's fist, meet satan's face. The blood ran freely from his flaring nostrils and he took a step back before screaming, even louder than before "She punched me! The bitch punched me!" 

The security guard was quickly drawn to the commotion. "What happened here?" He asked. 

"He did it!." Raven said pointing at Finn, "Isn't that right?" Everyone nodded their head as Lexa wiped the blood from her knuckles on her black pants. 

"Wha-" Finn's protests were quickly cut off by the security guard manhandling him away from the scene.  

"Quick guys, let's get out of here" Raven said and they all bolted for the doors hearing the echoes of Finn's swearing and the doctor's yelling. 

//

Back in the safety of Anya's car, Anya decided to test the waters before heading off to their celebratory dinner. 

"So..."

"So." Lexa's reply was unsurprisingly cold. 

"So that was your mom"

"Yes. Good job. Such great observational skills. Since when did you become such a phenomenal detective? Are you going to reveal Amelia Earheart's location now?" 

"Lexa." Anya says firmly 

"Anya" Lexa replies mockingly.

"How do you feel?" 

"Oh wow! A detective and a therapist! You really are the perfect package, aren't you?"

"Lexa, cut the shit. Be serious for a moment."

"What do you want me to say, Anya? I saw my mother for the first time in a year. She got up in a fucking courtroom filled with people to defend me and admit her wrongs knowing damn well she could face prosecution herself for her actions and I couldn't even face her afterwards. I just ran away from that courtroom. Clarke was right, I'm a coward and I always fucking run away. And now, to top it all off, I'm expected to forgive her and we can go back to being a happy little fucking family." Lexa blinked back tears before continuing, "The worst part is, is that - I'm confused. My feelings are torn. A part of me wants to hate her because who the fuck does that to their only child? And another part of me wants to forgive her because she's my fucking mother and I don't want to lose her again. What do I do? Tell me, Anya, what the fuck do I do?"

"Okay, well first of all, you have to take a breath because you're turning blue and I don't want you to die in my car." Anya smiled sadly at Lexa, "You're not a coward. You're only human and no one blames you for not wanting to face her. It's okay to be torn. I'm torn too. If she's adamant on forgiveness, she will try harder and I will be here and we can learn to forgive or hate her together, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." 

"Okay. Now, let's go celebrate." 

//

"What are we celebrating again?" Lexa asks 

"My latino heritage!" Raven replies a little too happily as they sit on the table. 

"Might I remind you of the tragedy that occurred the last time we went to a restaurant?" Lexa said 

"Aren't you a lil ball of sunshine and happiness, Mr. Tyson" 

"Where's Octavia and Lincoln?" Anya cuts in 

"They claim they had to work, but they're probably just taking advantage of the empty apartment." Clarke says 

"They're sinning" Raven says with a wink and a shit-eating grin 

"Okay enough talk, let's order." 

To no ones surprise, Clarke orders a burrito because duh and Lexa got the fajitas. 

"Ah yes, I'll have the super special spicy sensation, please" Raven says to the waiter 

"I'll have that too." Anya says 

"Babe. No."

Anya quirks a brow. "Are you denying me what I want?"

"Babe. It's super spicy. You can't handle it."

"It's also special and sensational. I can handle it."

Turns out, Anya really couldn't handle it. 

"I think I'm dying!" Anya screamed as the tears fell from her eyes.

"Anya, here, drink this!" Lexa said as she handed the glass of water to her potentially dying cousin. 

"NO. It's only made it worse! Help me!" Anya screamed before she stuck her tongue out of her mouth, "Oh my God, it's like I ate the SUN!"

"Raven! Help your girlfriend!" Clarke screamed, clearly concerned whilst Lexa stuffed Anya's mouth with bread.

Alas, being the caring girlfriend that she is, Raven found the whole display funny. A little too funny because soon, she was choking on her own spit and needing medical attention herself.

"Fuck! Not again! Why do people always choke around me?" Clarke asked whilst furiously hitting Raven's back, "Jeez, Raven, don't die on me!" 

And when Raven finally got her breathing under control all she managed to reply was "Don't tell me what to do! I'll die whenever I want!"

"I'm sorry my idiot friend almost killed your cousin" Clarke whispered to Lexa 

"I'm sorry my idiot cousin almost killed your friend" Lexa replied. 

"Here's to never going to restaurants again!" 

//

After the many traumatic incidents of the day, both parties decided to call it a night. 

"Psst. Anya, I can't sleep" Lexa whispers 

"Lexa, if you ask me another pigeon question I swear to God" 

"Okay okay, no pigeons."

"Good." Anya replies before shutting her eyes 

Blissful silence blesses Anya's ears for a mere moment before...

"Can we talk about turtles?"

"URGH!" Anya groans before literally kicking Lexa off the bed and yelling "OUT!" repeatedly 

Lexa begrudgingly makes her way to the living room before settling down on the couch. She doesn't bother turning the lights on. She does bother with grabbing the small blanket off the edge of the couch and wrapping herself up in it. She grabs her phone from the bedside table knowing that what she's about to do is long overdue. 

//

 

Raven reasons that since Octavia's out with her boyfriend, she should sleep next to Clarke for the night. Clarke doesn't state the obvious fact that that doesn't make sense because she actually enjoys it when she wakes up to an extra cuddly Raven even though her toes are like little icicles. 

"Hey Clarke" Raven whispers into the night

"Yeah?"

"Promise you won't hate me" Raven says very solemnly 

"Why would I hate you?" Clarke responds, now getting worried 

"Because I have the farts" Raven says before she lets one rip and bursts out in maniacal laughter 

"You fucki- URGHH RAVEN IT SMELLS LIKE DEATH!" Clarke says before firmly placing her pillow over her face. 

Clarke's phone vibrated on the night stand and even though she seriously did not want to risk breathing the contaminated air, curiosity got the better of her and she reached for her phone. 

"So this is why curiosity killed the cat" She murmurs to herself before unlocking her phone 

 

 **Lexa:** Blue. 

 

"What the..." Clarke said still disoriented from the poison 

 

 **Clarke:** What?

 **Lexa:** It's my favourite color. You asked me once but I never replied. Sorry about that. 

 **Clarke:** Oh

 

"Who is it?" Raven asked peering from under the blanket 

"Go to sleep, thunderpants" 

"Tell me!" Raven said before touching Clarke's legs with her ice cold toes 

"Ahh!" Clarke hisses, "Stop that or I'll tell your girlfriend about your demonic farts"

"Oh fuck please don't do that, Clarke, she actually thinks I'm sexy!" Raven pleads

"Then keep your toes and your nose to yourself!" 

"Fine fine" Raven mumbles before turning around and angrily smoothing her pillow 

 

 **Lexa:** It used to be red. 

 **Clarke:** Why aren't you sleeping?

 **Lexa:** Anya kicked me out of bed :(

 **Clarke:** What did you do now?

 **Lexa:** I just wanted to talk about turtles

 **Clarke:** Why turtles?

 **Lexa:** She wouldn't let me talk about pigeons

 **Clarke:** Wow yeah midnight Lexa doesn't make a lot of sense

 **Clarke:** I can see why Anya kicked you out 

 **Lexa:** :( 

 **Lexa:** Did you have any pets?

 **Clarke:** I had 2 fish 

 **Lexa:** Aww that's cute

 **Clarke:** not really. one of them ate the other

 **Lexa:** oh 

 **Clarke:** yeah. i was traumatised. Did you have any pets?

 **Lexa:** I had a turtle 

 **Lexa:** His name was Timmy 

 **Clarke:** Cute. What happened to him?

 **Lexa:** He ran away

 **Clarke:** Your pet turtle... ran away?

 **Clarke:** How? Just... How?

 **Lexa:** He was pretty fast for a turtle, okay?! 

 **Clarke:** Wow. Totally not judging you there or anything

 **Lexa:** Thanks Clarke 

 **Clarke:** Anytime 

 **Lexa:** Any other questions you're dying to know the answer to?

 

Actually, Clarke was dying to know the answer to many questions. Most of these questions, however, were far too heavy to ask at this time of night and more importantly, Clarke did not want to scare Lexa off... again. 

 

 **Clarke:** What's your favourite quote?

 **Lexa:** oh good one

 **Lexa:** lemme think

 **Clarke:** ok

 **Lexa:** okay I got it 

 **Lexa:** "If you only do what you can do, you'll never be better than what you are."

 **Clarke:** Wow 

 **Clarke:** did you just

 **Clarke:** quote kung fu panda?

 **Lexa:** it's a good movie ok!

 **Clarke** : ok ok 

 **Clarke:** can i ask a serious question

 **Lexa:** no

 **Clarke:** im gonna ask anyway 

 **Lexa:** why am i not surprised?

 **Clarke:** what did you mean when you said "future husband"?

 **Lexa:** isn't that the normal next step after dating?

 **Clarke:** who says I'm dating anyone?

 **Lexa:** then who was that guy you were dancing with at my birthday thing?

 **Clarke:** Bellamy? That's Octavia's brother and one of my oldest friends. If we dated it'd practically be incest 

 **Lexa:** oh

 **Clarke:** You're an idiot. 

 **Lexa:** True. 

 **Lexa:** Can we go back to the non-serious questions now?

 

And so, they did. After hours of texting and Clarke dropping her phone on her face several times much to Raven's amusement, they both finally drifted off to sleep whilst clutching their phones firmly in their hands.  

 

//

 

"Lexa, wake up. You're drooling all over my cushions" 

"Urgh" Lexa grumbled before rubbing her eyes and sitting up. 

"Morning sunshine."

"Silence, peasant." Lexa said 

"Why are you so grumpy this morning?"

"Because someone kicked me out of bed last night" Lexa said and glared at Anya 

Anya shrugged, "What time did you sleep?

"Late."

"Why?"

"I was texting Clarke"

Anya's eyes widened a fraction, "You texted someone? You texted a people?"

"Ha ha. Bite me."

"Speaking of Clarke, did you ever open the gifts she got you?"

"No."

"Why not?" Anya asked with a hint of bitterness in her tone

"Because I'm an asshole."

"This is true. Now go open them." Anya said as she shooed Lexa off the couch. 

After her usual morning routine, Lexa gathered the gifts and the paper and brought them back to where Anya was sitting. She proceeded to unwrap the stuffed squid first and they both laughed heartily when they saw it. She then unwrapped the necklace. 

"Wow, that's beautiful" Anya said, "Look, Lexa! It's a pigeon! Your favourite"

Lexa jabbed her cousin in the ribs, "It's not a pigeon. It's a bird."

"A pigeon is a bird" Anya mumbled 

"Either way, it's beautiful. Help me put it on." Lexa turned around and Anya placed the necklace on her neck.

"What's that?" Anya said pointing at the folded piece of paper.

"Clarke gave it to me the day she got out of the institution. I never opened it though."

"Why not?"

"I thought we already established I'm an asshole."

"Okay, well open it now then."

And so, Lexa did. It was a drawing of a smiling Lexa and it was beautiful. Her eyes were colored the perfect shade of green and her curls drawn to perfection. It was a rare smile and it was a real smile; one that she only gave those she truly loved. And on the bottom right corner was written: May we meet again.

"Did you say Clarke did this?"

"Yeah" Lexa muttered. She was truly at a loss for words. No one had ever made something for her before, let alone something of her. 

"Lexa, Raven said Clarke never used color."

"What?" 

"She doesn't use color anymore."

"Oh"

"You're such an idiot. And an asshole."

"Yeah thanks, Anya. You make me feel so much better about myself."

"You've been treating that girl like shit and she doesn't deserve it."

"I know"

"Then you should also know you have to go apologize to her"

Fuck Anya being right. 

 

//

 

And as Lexa walked through the busy streets, she repeated her apology a million times in her head. She stressed over every syllable and every word until it sounded perfect. She wasn't too good with apologies but she knew this one had to be perfect. Clarke deserved so much and she had given her so little. 

And so, when she climbed the stairs and knocked on their apartment door, her heart was beating loud and her mind was filled with expressions of sorrow and regret. 

But when the door opened, she lost herself in the sea of blue. 

"Raven! Pizza's her- Oh. Lexa! Hi. Sorry. Are you okay?" Clarke said immediately noticing Lexa's solemn expression. 

And despite having practiced it a million times, the words eluded her and all she could manage to say was: "Run away with me."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and SUPER SPECIAL THANKS FOR EVERYONE TAKING THE TIME TO LEAVE KUDOS AND COMMENTS! I appreciate it. 
> 
> Also, yay for the many movie references? 
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think! That is all.


	15. For the First Time

How do you learn to love yourself again? 

And as Lexa stood there with pleading eyes, the question played over and over in her mind with no avail. She wondered if it was possible to accept another person's love without feeling worthy of said love. But at this moment in time nothing else mattered because Clarke was looking back at her with understanding. 

"Raven, give me your keys." Clarke said and the determination in her voice was palpable 

"The only way I'm gonna give you Charlotte is if you're going to get me pizza." 

"Forget the fucking pizza" Clarke replied 

"How dare you?!" Raven yelled 

"Raven, give me the fucking keys" Clarke began and chased after a now limping Raven who was struggling to get back to the safety of her boudoir.

"No! Clarke! Stop! I'm injured! You ca-" Raven yelled before her cries became muffled. 

Lexa stood there unsure whether to laugh or scream for help as Clarke returned with the keys in her hand, her hair a mess and a fake innocent smile plastered onto her face. 

"Let's go" Clarke said but Lexa just stood there like a statue. 

"What's the matter? Did Medusa make a surprise appearance?" Clarke asked with a laugh.

"CLARKE! YOU LIL BIT-" Raven screamed after them as Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and lead her to Charlotte. 

"Where are we going?" Lexa asked with her voice barely above a whisper. 

"Running away." Clarke replied before getting into the driver's seat. 

They drove in silence. The sun was setting in the distance and as Lexa stared out the window with a blank mind, she realized that even a blank mind does not stop an erratic heart. 

The soft touch of Clarke's hand on hers was enough to take her breath away and bring her back to reality. Lexa managed to look away from the window and into Clarke's eyes and what she saw was only acceptance and understanding. And it's hard. It's so fucking hard when you look at yourself and all you can feel is shame and suddenly someone else is looking at you like you're worth it and maybe just maybe you're not as broken as you thought. 

And it broke Lexa's heart and mended it at the same time because even though she could not love herself, she knew beyond a doubt that she did love Clarke. 

By the time they reached a motel, it was pitch black outside. The room was small but cozy with the only furniture being two twin beds. 

Lexa was emotionally exhausted and she didn't waste any time in climbing into bed and resting her head against her pillow. 

"Hey Lexa?" 

"Yeah?" Lexa drowsily replied. 

"Would it be weird to sleep on the same bed?" Clarke asked 

"Yeah." 

"Okay, good." Clarke said before climbing on top of Lexa and resting her head between Lexa's shoulder and neck.

"Uhh.. Clarke?" Lexa asked with the confusion evident in her eyes and having the weight of another body evident in her voice. 

"Shh.. be a good silent pillow." Clarke replied 

"But Cla-" Lexa began but was cut off by Clarke's lips on hers. The kiss was sweet and tender and filled with a thousand words and emotions and all the things they felt for each other but were too damn scared to admit, so instead of bursting into tears of relief or joy or just pure agony, Clarke laughed and said "If I had known that would shut you up so quick, I would have done it all those times ago when you're just babbling. You're way too dramatic, you know?" 

Lexa didn't say anything but when Clarke rested her head on Lexa's chest, the beating of her heart told Clarke all that she needed to know and they both fell asleep with a smile on their face. 

When the sun shines bright in the morning, the pair awake to many missed calls and threatening messages from a rather distraught Raven. 

Clarke reluctantly presses play “Hey Clarke, how are you? I hope you’re well because I want you to be in really good condition when I run you over. Again and again. Okay! See you soon! Real soon.” 

“Should we head back?” Clarke asks a somewhat dazed Lexa. 

“No.” Lexa replies and for the first time in a long time her voice sounds sure and strong. 

“Okay. Let’s go get some food then because I’m starving.” 

And so, they take Charlotte and drive back further into the wilderness and with every mile between them and civilization, they feel closer and closer to each other. 

Clarke spots a food truck out of the corner of her eye and in her excitement brakes a bit too hard. 

“Good Lord, Clarke! You almost killed us because of some fucking burgers?!” 

“See? Too dramatic.” Clarke says before jumping out the car and ordering the most greasiest, messiest burger and fries meal Lexa has ever seen. 

“Don’t you want anything?” Clarke asks before stuffing her mouth with the burger. 

“Nope.” Lexa replies but she’s already reaching for Clarke’s fries. 

Normally, Clarke does not share food but with Lexa ‘sneakingly’ munching her fries, how can she say no? 

“You ate the fries to my burger.” Clarke says  
“I am the fries to your burger.” Lexa replies

“I like that.” Clarke says with a laugh

“Good.”

“Because… I like you” Clarke says hesitantly.

“Actually, that’s a lie.” Clarke follows up quickly and Lexa looks up with a mixture of disappointment and confusion. 

“I don’t like you, Lexa.” Clarke says “I love you”

And this time it’s Lexa who’s leaning in and it’s soft but messy and filled with little gentle bites and licks and all the things that people do to tell someone how much they love them. 

But it doesn’t stop there because the want is too much and Lexa doesn’t hesitate to hold Clarke’s waist and she doesn’t hesitate to toy with the hem of her shirt and even though Clarke wants to get lost in the moment, she doesn’t forget that they are in public and in the middle of nowhere.

 

“Wait, babe, wait” Clarke breathes out and Lexa can’t help but smile at the nickname

“I want to. I really do, but there are too many insects here and ain’t no insect climbing up this booty” Clarke says and Lexa laughs and for the first time in a long time, it’s real. 

“Let’s go back now.” Lexa says and the words are not heavy because she’s ready to go back now. She’s tired of running. 

When Clarke and Lexa arrive back at the apartment, it’s Lexa who has to drag Clarke by the hand because Clarke is too scared of an angered Raven. 

“Come on, Clarke, you kicked her ass last time.”

“You haven’t heard the threats, Lexa. She’s into some freaky shit”

“Ew. Don’t tell me that. She’s with my cousin.”

“Screw your cousin! Worry about ME.” 

“Damn it, Clarke.” Lexa says as she continues to push a resisting Clarke up the stairs. 

When they reach the apartment, they hear strange noises and yelling coming through the front door. 

“Oh my God, she’s going to sacrifice me. This is the ritual.”

“And I’m the dramatic one.” Lexa says while rolling her eyes. 

And right as Clarke is about to run away (which is something she never does) the door bursts open and a crying Octavia appears. 

“Oh my God, Octavia, what’s wrong? Did Raven hurt you? Did she sacrifice you too?” Clarke asks and the seriousness is evident in her tone

“What?” Octavia manages to mumble out in between sniffles 

“Stop it, Clarke. You’re scaring her” Lexa nudges Clarke 

“I’M GETTING MARRIED” Octavia screams at them and then bursts back into tears as she hugs them tight. 

The celebrations involve a lot of alcohol. Raven and Clarke have to be separated multiple times. Lincoln asks Lexa to be his best man and Lexa proceeds to cry a lot before drinking a lot more and then demanding to make a speech. 

She stands on wobbly legs and Lincoln has to steady her multiple times before she shoos him away. 

Lexa looks at Clarke before taking out a piece of paper from her pocket, unfolding it and clearing her throat. 

 

“I thought I’d never smile again.” Lexa began, “My life was nothing but pain. But then I met someone and a new chapter had begun.” She stops and wipes a tear from her eye 

“Drunk Lexa is the best” Raven whispers in the background before giving Clarke yet another glare 

“I had forgotten the sound of my laugh.” Lexa continues, “Then you came dancing like a giraffe. Even though I choked on a popcorn, it was the best day I could’ve sworn. I was jealous of the sheets, touching all of your skin, like the seas and skies, envied the blue of your eyes. Your arms now feel safer, than it did under the bed ever, my lips may not be saying much to you, but my heart is screaming I love you.” 

“AWWW! That was the cutest thing ever!” Octavia said before hitting Lincoln’s arm and asking “Why don’t you ever write me any poems? You’re an ass.”

“But…” Lincoln tried 

“Shut up. Don’t speak until you write me a poem like that.” Octavia said 

Meanwhile, Raven is laughing her ass off and Clarke is left speechless and in awe. She stands up and closes the distance between them before kissing Lexa in their most passionate kiss yet. 

“FINALLY!” Everyone around them screams. 

“HEY! Don’t you go stealing my spotlight” Octavia jokingly (but not really) says to Clarke. 

We are all drunken on the idea that love can save us, that love can fix us. But this is wrong. Only we can fix ourselves. Love can only give us the motivation to do so. 

One person can’t fix everything but they can help us to start fixing ourselves. 

And as time went on, life got real. 

Clarke had to go to medical school and Lexa had to go to law school. They found themselves with a thousand miles between them but their hearts were as close as ever. 

Lexa took out her phone and called her girlfriend “Hey babe.”

“BABE! Hey. How are you?” 

“I’m good, but New York is shit.”

“You complain too much.” 

“I know. But you love me anyway.”

“That, I do.”

“Hey Lexa” Clarke said 

“Yeah?”

“I wrote a poem for you this time. Wanna hear it?”

“Oh God. Not the poem again.” 

“I’m serious! Do you wanna hear it?” 

“Yes” Lexa says reluctantly 

“Until we meet again, the sun will rise with your goodmorning and set with your goodnight.  
Until we meet again, I will dream of your smile and your touch every time I close my eyes.  
Until we meet again, I will love all the things you hate about you  
And until I can hold you in my arms,  
I will keep you in my heart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!
> 
> I am SO SO SO sorry for the extreme delay in the update. 
> 
> I don't even have an excuse. I can only blame myself. Well, actually, I can also blame my girlfriend for distracting me way too much with her awesomeness. 
> 
> Poem number 1 is courtesy of my amazing and beautiful best friend Ben, it's brilliant isn't it?


End file.
